Monday, 14 May 2007
12:30:20 AM (GMT)
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy
like believe it.
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs
you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those
who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then
it hit me.
People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege.
Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it.
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those
who matter don't mind.
When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand
reasons to smile instead.
To the world you may be but one, but to one you might be the world.
If you love someone put their name in a circle, not a heart, because hearts can be
broken but circles go on forever!
"If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If
you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile...
But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me."
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from
some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when
you have forgotten the words.
When a GIRL is quiet,
Millions of things are running in her mind
When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply
When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of
She is wondering how long you will be
When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a
She is not at all fine
When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering why you are lying
When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever
When a GIRL calls you everyday,
She is seeking for your attention
When a GIRL sms's u everyday,
She wants you to reply at least once
When a GIRL says I love you,
She means it
When a GIRL says that she can't live
She has made up her mind that you are
When a GIRL says "i miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more
Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
A LOGICAL SOLUTION.
Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those
people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings
where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up
100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge
will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass
Kissing that will put you over the top.
F.E.A.R.=Fuck Everything And Run!
Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe
If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the
bottom to catch them
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not
screaming like all the passengers in her car
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say
No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Last night I was looking at the stars and I wondered... where the hell's my ceiling!
The words that escape a friend's mouth are "I'll be there when you say you need me"
but the words that are unheard from a true friend's heart are "I'll be there...
whether you say you need me or not."
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over.
Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it
hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.
Life's not a garden, so stop being a hoe!
I can only please one person per day. Today isn't your day...and tomorrow don't look
"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but
there's no fkn way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around
Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw
scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled
notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in
class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that
shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then
when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face
with my already clenched fist and say "oh shit I'm sorry I thought paper would
protect you, asshole."
THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
*My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE-"If you're going to kill each
other do it outside-I just finished cleaning."
*My mother taught me RELIGION-"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
*My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL-"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to kick you
into the middle of next week."
*My mother taught me LOGIC-"Because I said so, that's why."
*My mother taught me FORESIGHT-"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case your in
*My mother taught me IRONY-"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry
*My mother taught me OSMOSIS-"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
*My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM-"Will you look at the dirt on the back on
*My mother taught me STAMINA-"You'll sit there till all that spinach is finished."
*My mother taught me about WEATHER-"It looks as if a tornado swept through your
*My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS-"If I yelled because I saw a
meteor coming towards you; would you listen?!"
*My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY-"If I've told you once I've told you a million
*My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE-" I brought you into this world, and I can
take you out."
*My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION-"Stop acting like your father."
*My mother taught me about ENVY-"There are millions of less fortunate children in
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally
'Tis far better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best
golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the
America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go
to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and
Kids in the backseat cause accidents
Accidents in the backseat cause Kids
Everything is okay in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end."
10 commandments of being a teenager:
Thou shall not sneak out when there parents are sleeping (why wait?)
Thou shall not do drugs (alcohol lasts longer)
Thou shall not steal from K-mart (Walmart has a bigger selection)
Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism (destructon has a bigger effect)
Thou shall not steal from their parents (everyone knows Grandma has more money)
Thou shall not get into fights (start them)
Thou shall not skip class (take the whole day off)
Thou shall not go to strip clubs (Hooters has better food)
Thou shall not think about having sex (like Nike says... just do it)
Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street (leave them in the middle)
How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the
glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns
this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly
surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you
didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a
dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
You will not die a virgin,life screws us all
What happens if you get scared half to death twice???
So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the
camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on
haha,that's all Fuckers!
Last edited: 21 December 2007