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This diary entry is written by ‹atheenuh_twopointoh›. ( View all entries )
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this is what happens when i don't sleep for 24+ hours and im aloneCategory: 5 am
Sunday, 22 February 2015
10:16:33 AM (GMT)
4 am is  lonely hour isn't it

I have my flashlight on as I walk around this dark home

My cats rub against my legs purring, subtly asking to feed them

We're all alive, but for how long

I get close to the window and look through the curtains

There's not many lights out there

I see people driving, but I don't know where

I see people driving, but where are they going

Are they alone, 5 am is a lonely hour

I see a car by the lights and one farther down all alone

It's so far away

We're all alive, but for how long

When will this home become a house

When will I regret my solitude

The answer is something I don't want to know

And that time is not a time I want to see

It's crazy how one minute you can be inches away from someone

Then all of a sudden, an ocean divides you

How can you go from holding each other at 3 in the morning

To laying in bed with different time zones and envying those who get to see you in an

Dreams are a funny thing, you know?

Cause one second you could be living it, and the next it's showing you what you're

But hey, those dreams that taunt you are just nightmares

They make you feel at home and take it back in an hour

Worst part is when you can feel your heart shatter

Between the realization of being deceived and feeling at ease

To knowing it's fake and you're left there awake

Real life isn't what it seems

Don't take nothing for granted cause one day, it'll be gone

You'll be gone

This'll all be gone

No one will remember the time you changed your high school's morals

No one will remember how you stood up for the underdogs

No one will remember what college you went to or what that necklace you wore meant to

Cause one day you'll be gone, and your possessions will be thrown

You're something for the next year but then you're nothing for the next years

So whats the problem now, you're freaking out?

Is it cause you're doing something wrong or cause you aren't living up your life

Are you feeling tied down to one thing when you don't have time to waste

Or do you need to slow down and start a slow pace

Listen, I freak out too

In fact, I cry and scream about it at who's in the room

I can't stand the thought of my best friend suddenly dead

Or even worse, my grand son telling me he's getting a new bed

For his babygirl, named after me

And I'm too old to see her turn eighteen

I don't wanna see my body grow small and shrivel up

Until I'm nothin but a raisin all bundled in a knot

I don't wanna grow lines on my face and lose my baby skin

I wanna be young I wanna have my friends

I love my mom, there's nothing that upsets me more than thinking about her out of my

She's my best friend, man, who would I talk to

She's the only one who see's inside my head

My outbursts, my scars, my tantrums

I think how my grandparents only got the family they created

I fear the day I hit that age where the people I grew up with are gone

And I only got the kids I made, and the kids they made

I know I'll look at my husband and cry

Knowing I met him several decades ago before we cared we'd die

He'd be the last I grew up with

I couldn't stand living if my cousin Tom wasn't around

We was like brothers

We made history together

I don't wanna see him age neither

I got a lot of time I'm sure

But 17 years went by like that

Next thing you know I'm 37 sitting on my couch at home 

Wondering what went wrong and why I'm here

No matter how many times I sit on my roof at night

I'll never be able to comprehend life

I could talk and listen and listen and talk

For hours and days and years on end

The theories and conspiracies

The different minds and beliefs

They throw me everywhere

So many good points and so many ridiculous ones

I don't know what to believe

Now you know why I'm so scared?

I can't breathe sometimes it urks me

I just wanna grab those I love and hug them

I never wanna let no one go

But they don't think like I do

They accepted the fact they gonna die 

They seem to be find with the idea of not existing

Sure that's great, good for you

But please let me appreciate you and hold you close

It's all I want, some intimacy

I'm sorry if that bugs you, you're just really important to me

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