Saturday, 2 March 2013
02:43:54 PM (GMT)
I keep on crying really randomly and I hate this and I hate everything and I
desperately, so so desperately just want everything to just finish. My best
friend’s not answering me and I don’t have anybody else I want to talk to and I
just feel so alone right now… I feel like nobody cares because nobody does, and I
don’t know what I’m doing.
I have two essays and loads of other homework to do and it’s not getting done
because I can’t concerntrate and I’m upset and I don’t even know…
I’m not good enough for anybody and nobody wants me here. I just want to leave
Mum's getting pissed at me because I'm not happy, then shouting at me when I ask to
be left alone for a day. My teachers are only interested in my grades, and I'm so
scared they'll start dropping because I can't pull myself together. I feel so weak
and pathetic, and what if I can't get the best grades? What if I'm not the best?
What then? I'll have nothing.
I don't deserve to be alive when I hate it this much, but I'm scared, too... I'm
scared that if I disappear no one will notice, because it feels that way right now.
I'm just a nuisance, getting in the way when people have their own troubles and
problems, nobody really wants me here any more than I want to be here. Even people I
like, they have better friends than me, I'm not important. I'm not necessary.
Not smart enough or nice enough or happy enough for anybody to want. When they're
upset or hurt, they rant at me, and maybe I don't care but I listen. When I'm upset
or hurt, nobody cares. Nobody really knows me well enough to know when I'm feeling
like this because I don't want anybody to know... But when I ask for help... There's
still nobody willing to. And even on the occaision I do care, it's never returned.
If I can, I'll say something to help, even when I don't actually care all that much,
because I know how it feels to feel like nothing. To feel like a ghost.
I wish I had the courage to just end everything now...