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Monday, 28 January 2013
12:56:55 AM (GMT)
wow. OK. 
its been a long time..
I saved a life. 
I ruined a life.
I almost just totally cheated on my boyfriend, with his friend. it was 5 in the
morning. we were sharing a bed, and things went just beyond 'friendly'.
I'm glad it stopped at simply cuddling..
If I'd accepted that kiss, today would be different.
I'd have lost a boyfriend and many friends, but perhaps gained something.
I have my boyfriend still. He hates his friend now. He doesnt hate me. He wants to
believe it was all on his friend, that I just 'let it happen', or couldnt stop him
right away.
If I could go back in time and change my entire life, I think I would have myself
killed at a young age.
I can't set him straight. it will ruin him.
he wont trust me... and I dont deserve trust.
I don't deserve him.
but now I lost a friend because we're both lonely and we can't just use each other.
I'm really just a horrible person.
I love my boyfriend. I also can't do a long-distance relationship. I'm losing myself
more each day. 
When I finally break for good, I hope he realizes I'm not really me right now. If I
end up close to death in the hospital. If I turn into some slut. If I start doing
drugs, if I keep pushing people away, if I lose everyone..
I hope the people I care about most at least take it into consideration that I'm not

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