Saturday, 19 March 2011
10:43:33 PM (GMT)
god, why am i like this?
the littlest things get me upset.
y'know i went to a school before and the reason i left was because my so-called
'best friend' turned completely against me and started turning everyone against me
and the exact same thing is happening here.
so thanks for that. this time last year i was intensely happy and i didn't think
anything could possibly happen to bring me down. i had friends and they were real
friends and i didn't think they'd ever do anything to hurt me. it was the first time
i'd ever really felt comfortable with anyone and they knew everything about me.
and then one moved away and the other drifted further and further and broke off when
i broke down and told her the truth about something. you can't tell people the truth,
that's not how the world works. they get offended because they know it's true and
they know you see through them and they can't handle it. you're not supposed to see
through other people.
i feel so utterly worthless. i mean, a part of me always feels like this. it's that
part of me that tells me to carry on digging my nails into my palm and scratching at
my arms and tormenting me inside because actually natasha, no, you're not good enough
and you've never been good enough. what? you think you're going to be fine when
school goes? you can pretend to be happy and you can pretend to have friends you like
but in the end it doesn't matter because you're a silly pointless little girl.
half the time i don't even know what i'm thinking. i can never make other people cry,
but i can do it to myself without saying anything - "you're a childish pathetic
little cow, do you think you're better than other people? you're worse than them. you
think because you don't say it to their face that makes it any better? you're bitter
and twisted inside and those times that you've though 'i should drown myself' or 'i
should die' you should have actually done just that. you think that you're being a
martyr and strange and passionate but you're not, you're exactly like everyone
god, i'm pointless. why do i think like this? i wish they'd hurry up and get on with
ostracising me, i can see it all starting again. i don't need to go through another
year like 2009. i don't want to go through it all again. let me have one more fresh
start, what does it matter? do i bring this upon myself? i think i probably do. i
think i always do. why doesn't it stop?
does my mind function in a different way to other people's? like other people's are
cogs and clocks and gears shifting constantly working themselves logically through
life and understanding people and knowing how to act and mine is a muddle of ink and
paper and constantly trying to write life but blundering through because it doesn't
quite understand. i seem to offend constantly by saying things i don't know exactly
the meaning to.
ah, see, i'm doing it again. i'm trying to romanticize the situation. I KNOW THE
SITUATION AND I KNOW I'M BEING RIDICULOUS. i want to sleep and sleep and sleep. i
don't think i want to wake up. i hate other people. why is this. i can't deal with
this. i am being silly, i know i am. i want to go back in time to this time last year
and i want to start again. that's all i want to do. start again and know what went
wrong and be able to fix it or to never do it in the first place.
or before that, back to starting high school and fix everything then. you know what i
have one friend who i like and trust and that's it. thanks a lot. my mother keeps
asking me "is everything alright at school?" because she remembers the last time i
was like this and i feel like i'm betraying her by saying "no everything's probably
all happening again" like all she did before was pointless and she should never have
bothered. i always always feel like a terrible daughter. all i want to do is be nice
to other people. i'm always snappy and ridiculous. i feel as though 'ridiculous' is a
word i'm overusing. oh but i love her, i love everyone i can't show it. i mean, i
know you can't see it and i can always see it but they can't.
i am a terrible person. I COULD HAVE FIXED THIS ALL BY NOT SAYING ANYTHING. what,
will you say everything'll be fine in a week or two? it won't the world doesn't work
like that. if you come back to me i won't trust you because i can't, but i don't fit
in with people. i don't fit in with anyone. if i try again i'll be like everyone else
i promise it won't be so hard. i see things by you i get angry i get angry with
myself it's a vicious cycle of anger and i want it to stop. i'm not going to show
people this, i'm not brave enough to tell them. i like writing things down it makes
it seem like a story and not like reality. it is reality.
at some point i'm going to have to drill that through my skull. i can't stop now it's
just beginning my mind won't actually let me. i keep bursting into tears. i've never
been transcendently happy. i'm not happy in the happiest of times, but i can see
months and months of nothingness like i could see last time and walking alone and not
speaking for periods of time and eating lunch alone and having nobody to sit with
because i don't trust anyone. eventually everyone's against you.
I CAN'T BEAR IT. i can't bear any of it.
Last edited: 20 March 2011