Saturday, 28 November 2009
12:50:15 AM (GMT)
It really helps a lot.
I'm listening to A Little Pieve of Heaven.
I love it.
It reminds me of The Nightmare Before Christmas.
A7X is almost too depressing for me to handle.
I'm tempted to leave this site.
Too much drama.
And don't tell me to just leave and quit complaining, because I'm really just
But then I'd have nowhere to write shit like this.
I need to write.
But I don't know what.
I probably will anyway.
I'm almost done with my art thing.
Might post pictures.
Don't know what to call it yet.
Norah Jones has a new CD.
I haven't bought it yet, probably won't.
I just listen to her old stuff 'cause it's a temporary time machine to first grade.
My first grade teacher hated me for no reason.
But life was pretty good.
My family is annoying the hell out of me this week.
It seems it's just slowly getting worse.
Some of you know what I mean.
It's beginning to get to me.
I hate November.
Last November was the worst ever.
Last November is the reason I want to leave.
This November hasn't been much better.
Just a little less of the shaking and lack of sleep.
Everyone in my family seems to be having issues.
They're all splitting up or shit like that.
The worst part of is is that nobody actually tells me these things, I just overhear
My family sucks at keeping secrets.
I've realized that I don't give my friends enough of my trust.
I had an intensely deep conversation with three of my best friends Saturday night.
They all talked about things they regret, or that had gone wrong.
I couldn't bring myself to talk about anything.
I know I trust them, and I love them more than anything.
I just can't talk about my issues.
I feel like it would change their view of me, even though it probably wouldn't.
I wish I could just write a fucking book about it.
But thinking about it just brings back the feelings of last winter.
Which I never want to experience again, and nobody should ever have to.
It's almost been a year since my grandfather died.
Kind of almost.
I need new music.
It's such a good distraction.
I hate not being able to vent about anything. It fucking sucks.
Derek was right.
I do need someone to talk to.
But I won't.
Why can't I just trust people?
I hate this feeling of insecurity.
I'm the stable one.
The one everyone can talk to, and I always have support.
The one who never wants to burden anyone else.
And I don't want to change that now.
I just wish I had never been like that in the first place.
If that makes sense.
This is getting really long.
There are only two people who can distract me from this feeling.
The shaking and shit.
Neither are online.
I'm really warm right now.
But if I take my jacket off I'll freeze.
YouTube is the next best distraction.
I really need to talk to someone right now.
I just don't really know who.
Because I feel like I'm bothering them.
Let me know if you want to help deal with the current contents of my brain.
I probably won't even want to talk about it.
But I want to.
But I won't.
I hate being me.
I'm fine with myself.
I just hate my fucked up mindset.
And I miss the past.
When we were all happy.
Or better, at least.
And we were crazy and didn't care.
And building the boat with Jed.
And sinking it so we didn't have to take it apart.
And rediculous 3-way chats with Randy and Nicole.
And Club Penguin with Sara and Jason and Brian.
hahaha good times.
And Wizards and Warlocks.
And Sam not being in the army.
And EJ not being in college.
And Jed not being a senior.
And Micheal, Michelle and Brad.
Anyway, I have to go.
I would love that.