Friday, 23 September 2011
02:01:30 PM (GMT)
I got the urge to read all of my diaries this morning, so I did.
55 to the rest of the world.
It took me over two hours to read them all, but it was totally worth it.
I love that my diaries started when I met her.
I feel like with her, my real life has started and it is appropriate that I have
documented it all.
I explained how I met her, how in love I was.
The day she said she loved me too.
Everything between those moments and now is forever preserved in individual diaries.
That pleases me.
One day, if anyone wonders how we met, I can just show them the diaries.
It is all there.
Not only the good moments, but the bad.
I expressed my love for her, wrote her sweet, amazing things to bring a smile to her
The worry is also there.
The anxiety, the depression, the anger, the crazy side of me that I often hide.
I wasn't going to hide it on here.
I don't care what people think.
I needed it all to be there, pure, honest, real.
Some of it actually scared me.
There are basically three versions of me.
One, is the side I want everyone to know.
The honest, sweet, friendly, care-free man that will offer anything from a smile, to
a laugh, to just being there for anyone that could possibly need him.
and the opposite.
The man that worries, that freaks out, that has violent, angry thoughts, that wants
nothing more than to dig a hole and hide there until he dies.
I have no in-between, and that fact makes me question my sanity sometimes.
The only thing other than those two, is blank.
It seems odd to me that I can be such drastically different people, at times.
I guess I shouldn't question it much, it's just who I am.
At the moment, I am happy.
I will be for quite some time, I hope.
There is one diary that deeply disturbs me, though.
The one that is hidden from the world.
Nonexistent to everyone but me.
The one entitled "murder".
Judging from the title, you can probably make a pretty good guess as to what the
I explained murder.
How I would do it.
What exactly would occur.
The sick, sadistic, fucked up thoughts that went through my brain that morning.
I hope no one ever reads it, but I am glad it is there.
Even though it was about someone who has caused a lot of pain.
Someone who has beaten and raped young girls.
I still am embarrassed to have written something so terrifying, even to me.
But it will always remain there, hidden, as a little reminder to how my love and care
for someone can go to such an extreme level.
But I will never let it get to that point, ever.
These diaries have taken me on a journey this morning.
An adventure that begins and ends with her and I.
Jesse, my one true love.
These will always exist, chronicling the beginning of our amazing love story.
Now, I will never forget, even if my mind chooses to attempt to.
Someday I will look back upon them, taking me weeks, even months to read them all.
But I will sit down, her and I, and we will read each and every one of them.
Hello future us.
If you are fat and have gray hair, ha!
If you are healthy, beautiful, in love, and have beautiful children, then
And if you ever have access to time traveling devices, then appear in my room at
10:05 A.M. on September 23, 2011.
I await your appearance.
Or at least give me a sign
Anyway, these diaries are awesome, I am beginning to love this website and the people
I have met.
You guys are awesome.