Thursday, 1 September 2011
01:44:39 AM (GMT)
My mind won't settle down.
I have tried every day for as long as I can remember to find peace, to find
happiness, to find utter serenity, and only on a few occasions have I found it.
Usually relaxation has come in the form of a lung full of smoke, a bottle of whiskey,
or some pills chased with beer.
At other times, it came through a good book, an intriguing movie, or a captivating
The true moments aren't related to mood-altering substances, or material things, they
are much deeper.
They are the times when the rest of the world seems to disappear.
The times when you are with a friend, and you get locked in an intense conversation
about the meaning of life.
The times when you look around you and realize the good in the world isn't so hard to
The times when you notice that where you are and who you are with is exactly where
you want to be, and who you want to be with.
The times when you find yourself lost in a song, blown away by the sound and lyrics.
There are so many moments in life that you look back upon, and long to relive it,
even if just for a few minutes.
Those moments, I believe, are truly what we live for.
In this world, at least.
We are so captivated by emotion, so captured by our emotions, that we forget
everything else for a while.
We forget our troubles, our worries, our shortcomings, and our sorrow.
We are so lost in the power that is love, joy, compassion, and fun, that nothing else
really seems to matter.
I love those times.
I admit to being guilty of finding happiness in things that are merely an illusion.
If not an illusion, then at least a temporary escape from the problem, while offering
no solution whatsoever, and actually adding more issues to the list.
I have searched for peace in all of the wrong places, and when reality came crashing
down upon me, I opened my eyes to something I couldn't deal with.
Instead of asking for help, of reaching out to those who love me, I internalized it
I brood, I obsess, I rant, I only increase all of my problems.
I worry way too much about what I can't control, and I let my anxiety get the best of
All the more reason to go back into old habits...
I have lost many battles against myself, but I feel like those days are over.
I found her.
And she makes all of the difference.
Her problems are far worse than mine.
She has had addictions that I can't even imagine.
She has been treated far worse than I could ever conceive.
Compared to her, I have absolutely nothing to complain about.
We have made our promises.
Neither of us will drink or do any drugs alone, and I will never break a promise to
Life is great with her in it, but I still struggle with everything.
What does this life even mean?
Why are we here?
Why is it that when she leaves, I just worry constantly and all the peace I felt
I can't pretend to have an answer for these questions.
I'll just have to keep searching.
I still have my moments of peace, and they are what makes this life worth living.
Now I have someone to share it all with, and that makes all of the difference.
Maybe it is the fact that we ask these questions that makes life so interesting.
I should try my best to embrace the unknown, to enjoy seeking out what it is that
keeps me up at night.
I feel like nobody could ever understand everything,
but that doesn't mean we shouldn't keep searching...
Last edited: 1 September 2011