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This diary entry is written by ‹Cowards•Are•Golden›. ( View all entries )
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This probably went on way longer than it should have...Category: (general)
Sunday, 31 October 2010
11:59:10 AM (GMT)
Before you read this, if you read this, please don't comment saying things like 'get
over it' or 'I've had worse' or whatever. I get that there are people who have it
worse. But this is all in perspective. I'm taking what's bad for me, okay. What I've
had to deal with. Your little comments like that just make it even worse. So please
respect that. I'm venting for my own sake. Not to get anybody's pity.

So... I always thought that I was depressed before, but now I'm almost sure of it. I
feel... empty. And sad. And lonely. All the same time. It's insane. If I said that I
could start crying any moment now, I wouldn't be lying. It's mostly my mom. She says
things to me like, "I'm going to give you away", "You have no rights", "I hate you",
"You don't have a voice at all", "I don't care what you say".... but the worst part
is I don't think she realizes she says it. I don't think she realizes how much it
really hurts me. Sometimes I start crying on the spot, which case I get yelled at
some more and then told that "I don't want to hear it." and sometimes I just hold it
in until I'm in my room and let the tears come. But if I even show how I feel, it's
not like she even cares. I just get told I'm a drama queen, when I almost never start
the drama. She does. Like the other day, since we have two computers, she was on hers
and I was on mine. She started complaining about her computer and I sighed cause I
was annoyed... and she just snapped. I mean SNAPPED. She started yelling at me and
then going on about things that weren't even relevant and making this big deal out of
nothing. Then she told me that I don't have a right to say anything about it and that
she is the boss of me. What the hell? I didn't do anything and she makes it into this
huge deal just so she can break me down some more. Then later she starts it with my
dad, and the next thing I know she is coming down the stairs saying she should just
leave us. Like she's the victim in all of this. If anybody even tries to correct her
on anything, if anybody does anything that defies her in ANY way, we don't even have
to do anything, she gets mad. Because she's a CONTROL FREAK. And she's a DRAMA QUEEN.
And she wants everybody to feel bad for her, when in reality she starts it all. On
Thursday... I think that's when I realized that I really was depressed. I'm not gonna
start explaining what happened, because it's too long to tell, but basically, I ended
up having a mental breakdown. That's when I started feeling empty. I told Ashlea, and
I told Calvin, but that's about it. Ashlea was there for me... but Calvin.. he tried
to be there, but really he just ended up making it worse. It's not really his fault,
I guess. But he told me not to tell Alaena, the girl he is like madly in love with,
for his own selfish little reasons. "She's been in a good mood lately, I don't want
to ruin it." Screw you. So you're gonna sacrifice my happiness just so you can have a
better chance of getting back together with her. Thanks. That just makes me feel so
special. And news flash Calvin. She doesn't like you anymore. I've tried helping you
get through the breakup, I really do care, but COME ON. When I sit there and tell you
that I freaking CUT MYSELF because I'm so freaking depressed, at least have the
decency not to make it about you. I know breakups are hard and all, but when I try to
tell you how bad I feel, and then you complain about your life, it doesn't really
help. And because of that, because I'm such a good friend and I didn't tell Alaena,
guess what. I feel even worse now. Because she came up to me telling me how depressed
she was, with out the slightest idea how depressed I was, and started leaning on me
for the help. I can't carry that load anymore. I hate how everybody comes to me with
their problems. I love to help, but sometimes it just makes it worse for me. Cause
not only do I have to carry my own load of problems, I got about twenty other peoples
problems on my back. And they don't even know how I feel. Alaena sits there and
complains about how she doesn't have a BF. WTF??? You had a bf, remember? You've had
a lot. I've had none. So don't come to me and complain about how depressed you are
cause you're lonely. I'm sorry. I get how you must feel, but really. It kind of ticks
me off. And that just makes everything so much worse. so... I guess I'm done now....

Zelda3443 says:   31 October 2010   728496  
I'm sorry, maybe you should go to your school counselor or something
and...I dunno just tell about your bitchy mother...but don't tell
about depression unless you REALLLY want to. Now I feel like a
bitchwad, i'm sorry. *Virtual hug*
‹Cowards•Are•Golden› says:   31 October 2010   861826  
Nah. It's okay. I was going to, anyways 
‹<3OurGODisLOVE!!<3› says:   8 November 2010   313320  
But she hasnt yet......>
‹Green Spring Grass› says:   8 November 2010   764799  
omg im so sorry... im going through some shit with my mom (and
stepmom) too... i just cant believe this would happen like that. i
mean really, why would people treat you like that? and why not help
you with your depression? thats just too damn selfish of them. you
have needs and they dont give you anything for them? they're just
fucking asses. you, yourself, isnt the cause of the shit going on in
your life and i think more people should try to help you with it. who
cares about other peoples wants? you have needs, needs that may also
be the end of you if they arent helped. im sorry, but if people think
they can put you aside for their personal wants and just ignore whats
happening to you, they are TOTAL idiots
‹Cowards•Are•Golden› says:   8 November 2010   556483  
You have no idea how glad that comment made me. haha.
Cause you understand.
I love to help people, I really do. But sometimes it's like I help
them so much that they almost take advantage of it, and when I try to
tell them about the crap going on in my life, it's like they don't
care. But they'll talk about their problems, like mine aren't even
there, or don't matter.
And it's just... frustrating. Cause then I feel like I have nobody to
talk to.
But thank you for understanding. :] 
‹Green Spring Grass› says:   8 November 2010   876304  
im just happy i could brighten your day ^^ 
‹Cowards•Are•Golden› says:   8 November 2010   780119  
Oh and thank you for the gift as well. :] 
‹Green Spring Grass› says:   8 November 2010   295671  
no problem i thought you may need it :3 i know i would love receiving
something in a hellish time like that... but even though i think i
have it bad, seeing what your going through makes my life seem like
heaven. ): 
‹Cowards•Are•Golden› says:   8 November 2010   358358  
Don't feel that way. It's all in perspective. Like I know I said I got
mad at my friend for complaining about her boyfriend issues... but I
was just ticked at the time and the little things got to me. I told
her later and apologized for it, because you have to understand that
what may seem bad to you could be easy for others. It's just dealing
with what you have experienced. So I'm not saying you should be all
depressed, I just mean don't beat yourself up for thinking that what
you have is bad and then seeing how somebody might have it worse. If
that makes since.... haha. 
‹Green Spring Grass› says:   8 November 2010   183852  
oh it does haha im just glad i found this it would have <killed> me to
not know about someone going through this and that i couldnt help  
‹Cowards•Are•Golden› says:   8 November 2010   222081  
Oh. Believe me, you did help. It's good to know that somebody actually
gets what I mean, and understands, and doesn't judge me for it.
I'm just actually glad somebody took the time to read that. Usually,
nobody reads these things I type. Besides my best friend. :]
Either that, or they just don't comment. 
‹Green Spring Grass› says:   8 November 2010   677555  
and some of the comments are just bull cause they didnt care to even
read it and they just made assumptions from the first paragraph? that
happens to me... and it sucks! 
‹Cowards•Are•Golden› says:   8 November 2010   320809  
I know, right? I hate that. Or they sit there and criticize you for
it. Or go about how much worse they have it and how you shouldn't
‹Green Spring Grass› says:   8 November 2010   677058  
IKR?! they have no consideration for others feeling... right back to
the selfishness! 
‹Cowards•Are•Golden› says:   8 November 2010   799898  
Exactly. It's frustrating. It's like... I read those and and I think
"Yeah, that really helps a lot, jerk." Or there will be those people
who experience the same thing and they have to be mean about it and be
like "Well I... bla bla bla. And I wasn't so depressed. So get over
‹Green Spring Grass› says:   8 November 2010   279145  
those people are the WORST! they have no hearts... and if they do,
they're dark hearts. no love, consideration, fellowship, caring...
just plains idiots who feel so above everyone else that they can tell
people off just because they are feeling bad... those people need to
go rot in Hell 
‹Cowards•Are•Golden› says:   8 November 2010   159442  
I agree. They just need to grow up. 
‹Green Spring Grass› says:   8 November 2010   291796  
muy, mucho, tres, VERY! they're just people who live under a rock and
dont care about other peoples feelings unless the feelings are about
‹Cowards•Are•Golden› says:   8 November 2010   330611  
haha. Exactly like you said - selfish.
They need to grow up and see that the world doesn't revolve around
‹Green Spring Grass› says:   8 November 2010   620034  
people like that i just ignore... and help people who need it :D 
‹Cowards•Are•Golden› says:   8 November 2010   181240  
‹Green Spring Grass› says:   8 November 2010   373788  
i wish everyone was like that :/ 
‹Cowards•Are•Golden› says:   8 November 2010   751382  
‹◄chery♦桜の木♦blosom►› says :   8 November 2010   928745  
yea i felt empty inside one day, it was the best day ive ever had i
wish i could feel like that again, it happened only after a time when
ic ried whcih was suprising becaus ei dried over the dumbest thing,
getting a health exam, idk why guess i was so worried i broke down
inside oh well but still iwhs i could feel empty again it felt so
wodnerfull, no anger, no sadness, no fear, i still had happiness that
day but a weak happiness, just the amm0unt i need ^^


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