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This diary entry is written by vivaMagritte. ( View all entries )

FearCategory: Disorder?
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
11:16:37 PM (GMT)
I've always wanted to tell someone about this, but now that have this opportunity
to, I feel a little hesitant. To be honest I think I've had problems with eating
since maybe seventh grade. I'm seventeen now and I constantly go back and forth when
it comes to losing weight.

First off I have never been overweight in the slightest bit. My highest weight ever
was probably 111 lbs my sophomore year. I'm 5'6" now and petrified to weigh myself,
but i did today at the gym and i'm barely 100 with clothes and shoes on (so i'm
probably close to 97). It's weird because a few months ago I probably would've jumped
for joy, but in that moment I felt somewhat indifferent.

I think that I'm starting to realize that i will never be thin enough for myself, but
not only that, I'm completely trapped in my anxiety and control over what I eat. At
this point it's not really even about being skinny, it's about not losing control,
because if i loose control........I just don't know.

To be honest I don't consider myself anorexic because there are so many other people
who are so much worse, I feel like I don't deserve to say I am among the real
sufferers. However, I certainly believe I have anxiety and emotional problems that
are causing my horrible relationship with food.

There's so much else I want to say but I already feel like I am rambling and not
making any sense, so I'm going to leave it for now.

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