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This diary entry is written by Kyun_yo. ( View all entries )
 
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An internet story...Category: Rant
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
07:48:34 AM (GMT)
At first you share similar interests, like and dislikes.
And then later on, life's pain and joys are exchanged.
They become the people you confide in, the ones that you share your utmost pain with
because you were losing faith in your current reality... in your life.
They give you advice, and you give them yours.
 
You happily arrange yourself to be their older internet sibling, the one that gives
them guidance.
They happily agree.

But... 

The relationship between you two don't last long.
They can be here one day and gone the next.
They're meant to come into your life impact you in a way and then vanish without a
trace.

You find it hard to believe, but it has already begun to happen. 
They start coming online less and less, and soon the frequent online visits went from
five times a week to once a month.
They weren't doing well with their life in the first place, almost suicidal. 
You were filled with dread with the amount of time that they do not appear.

And then... they disappear...

Every day they didn't come on, your hopes begin to dwindle.
You begin to worry about them and wonder where they have gone, why they haven't been
online to communicate with you.
You begin to think that you're of no worth and they had probably forgotten about
you.

After all you are an internet friend; you are meant to be forgotten... 

You start to think that maybe... what if... they have already died, after seeing no
hope? 
It's an impossible thought, but your heart fills with sadness each time you think of
it. 

The things that they have liked, that you didn't, have now become an icon that you
carry around with you in sweet remembrance of them.
Your heart breaks every time you see one of the pictures of them that they sent to
you.
You download their pictures onto your iPod so everyday, you can look at it in your
free time and feel that heart-stabbing pain

Every stored history of your conversations were opened up and read again 
You would catch little hints and note certain things as you feel a sense of wanting
to return to such times
In art classes and whenever you go into a shop, you wonder what little cute things
you can get for them... 
That is... if you two ever meet. 

But as the mountain of small gifts and trinkets pile up, they still do not come on. 
You try to forget about them, convincing yourself that perhaps they were too busy
with life. 
But then you would always be reminded with such sweet bitterness that you find
yourself disgusted at how you still cling on. 

The next thing you'd find yourself doing is going to extreme measures to find out
what happened to them.
You search for your friends desperately, looking up for any leads that matched their
name. 
You feel like a stalker, but you're just too worried to even care. 

Not one lead. 

As you go back to the time in the history log when you have asked them, out of pure
curiosity, of what kind of partner they would want in a relationship, you review all
the traits that they have listed. 
The good and the bad. 
And as you read on, you can't understand why they ever want someone so perfectly
imperfect
I asked if the person liked someone and is just describing their traits
They said no.

But when you look back to it and read every trait
You start to realize that the person that your friend was describing was you. 
They have always called you cute and you have done so as well 
But you believed that it was only sibling affection. 

Now, you start to realize
That they have loved you.

You were too thick-headed to figure it out
They are gone now. 
For almost ten months. 

The following week will be their birthday. 
Last year you've drawn a gift for them
And waited until four in the morning to deliver it yourself because of different
timezones.
You can remember the happiness that were depicted in their messages as you type the
morning away. 

You wonder what you can do for them this year... 
You wish to draw, but your gifts will never be delivered.

Deep inside your mind you yell at yourself
"Why do you still hope? They're gone!" 
But you don't want to let it go
because that's all you have left of them

Everything they have told you
Could be a lie
But you are so innocent and naive to think otherwise
But now you know and now you have learned.

Perhaps they're involved in their own relationship
Happy and content
Perhaps they no longer need you to help them with their problems
Because they figured it out

But no matter the circumstances... 


You only wish to speak to them one more time
Before you let them go


Because that hole in your heart will never be filled without a proper goodbye... 


--
--

I only hope you guys get something out of this... whatever lesson it may be, just
take it into consideration. 

You may have seen my profile. And on that profile there is a song that my friend had
liked... 

I'm searching for them... And to be honest, it hurts to not know where they are. 



And I don't need any advice and certainly not needing any pity, I've been coping with
it up to now.

 I just wanted to let it out. ^^ The pain I've been feeling over the nine months of
no communication and with absolutely no idea how they're doing. And of course, if
they ever come across here, I'd like to let them know. xD; 

What are the chances? 

I guess they're near zero... 

-Kyun.

Comments 
‹Syndromic_Wonderland› says:   30 June 2009   858724  
That's...really deep. Very sweet. I hope you find your friend soon.
 
catloverextreme says:   30 June 2009   871247  
dont worry, u'll find that person :D
 
samiluvsu2332 says:   30 June 2009   133788  
I cried reading this thinking of my internet sister who passed away
laast week. I never got to say goodbye. I hope you find them, i really
do.
 
Kyun_yo says:   1 July 2009   885957  
Ahaha... yeah... 

My friend had asked me while we were talking once: "If I died, would
you come to my funeral?" 

And I didn't know what to say... xD; I hope you feel better,
samiluvsu2332. It's hard to lose someone...x_x;
 
hateculture says:   2 July 2009   488745  
Bwooh T___T
Me and this girl were online almost 24 hours รก day to talk. We
laughed and overdosed and cut and drank together on webcam and
exchanged addresses and sent each other cookies and chocolate. We'd
promised each other to don't take our lives until we'd met in real
life... Because she really was close to doing it quite a few times.
But after about a year we started slipping apart and didn't have as
easy to talk. It was mostly just awkward 'How's your day been?'. She
was jealous whenever I talked about some boy or some party. And then
one day I said "I feel so fucking unloved by my friends" she replied
with "Oh, so I don't count as your friend anymore", And blocked me.
We talked once after that "Do you manage?" "Barely." "Same."; and...
Now it's been a couple of months. She hasn't updated her blog, not her
deviantart art, a letter I sent her was returned without her ever
getting it and.... Eh Gawd >_>

Sorry, random vent O___o.
 
Kyun_yo says :   3 July 2009   915447  
...no, it's fine... xP Some things can easily affect our
relationship, especially when it's online... where the breaking point
is thin... 

...though I don't think I agree about cutting, overdosing, and
drinking though... 

But yeah... xP; I guess I can understand how you feel... 

At least you kind of know what has caused her to just slip away...^^;
And you have an address that you can stalk... 

You've webcammed and talked and everything... xD

I must say I'm quite jealous of you... I've never gotten to the step
of webcams, phones, and addresses... 

When I mentioned webcamming with my friend, they just stopped coming
online after that. I don't even know if all the horrible things that
happen to them are even real or not...xD; Yeah... 

Tis fine. -pats-
 

 
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