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Captivity.Category: Sophisticated Ranting
Sunday, 14 December 2014
11:22:42 PM (GMT)
I don't normally rant, and especially not publicly.
This is going to get quite personal, but I suppose this is my way of asking for
opinions...
I don't think I'm in the wrong for leaving... 
It's long, I know, but I'd appreciate the opinions of others and maybe some
advice..?

My life is entirely not my own.
I spend my days solely caring for a man who has mistreated me for years, just
because
he's a burden in everyone else's life.
His own mother won't take care of him. 
But it's not that I do it because I feel bad. I don't. I want nothing more than to
be
able to leave what I consider a prison. 
Even solitary confinement inmates get out of their cell every day.
I do it because I'm not given a choice.
The man in question is my dad.

"You got out yesterday." You're right. I did. 
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on a Saturday, after sleeping for a mere two hours,
to take a 4 1/2 hour long test.
Oh, and I was dragged to the grocery store.
What a hoot.
Yes, I did get out yesterday. For the first time in a week or two, I'm never sure.
But as a dog in a kennel, I expect to get out every day.

I never got the chance to be a teenager
I see my friends outside of school once or twice a year at best.
If I try, they want me back within the hour and they'll be calling me every 15
minutes.
It's not worth it.
I gave up.
My Friday nights are spent in solitude at home, that is, solitude until Dad needs
something.
It's quiet, and very lonely.
I've spent the past couple years in a single room.
Its certainly no way to live, being alone with your thoughts 110% of the time...

The most draining part of all of this is that I never get a thank you.
It's always a matter of what I haven't done as opposed to all that I have.
No thank you for giving up a social life, 
no thank you for getting 2 hours of sleep if I'm lucky, mostly because I have to be
on standby, even with school in the morning,
no thank you for making meals,
no thank you for throwing my back out trying to help my dad when he falls...
I could go on.
All so you guys, the people who have made me into the black sheep of the family, can
have normal lives.
Because I'm tired of the guilt trips if I don't run myself ragged for a man who
abused me before the stroke.
A man who may as well be a stranger to me, because he was never there growing up.
I've sacrificed a lot for a diagnosed sociopath who I know is not capable of loving
his own daughter, or anything at all for that matter.
I'm wearing myself out.

You can't even acknowledge my needs.
You are well aware of my medical issues, and the fact that I need to be monitored
frequently.
I know my health isn't okay right now.
I need my blood work done, I need to see the neurologist, I need medical
attention...
You know this.
But instead you compare the health issues of Dad and I, as if I'm seeking some sort
of attention, as if only one person per household can be ill.
Umm, no, when my legs are just one big bruise, my speech changes, I'm not in control
of my own movements, etc. 
It's hard to fake lupus.
Why the hell would I want to? I hate doctors.
Nonetheless, I need doctors. I wasn't born healthy.
And it's been over a year since I've seen one.
And I'm in steady decline.
You want my homeless mother to do something about it so you don't have another
doctor
appointment to worry about? 
No, fuck you.
It's almost worth it to let it all go just to say 'I told you so.'

So my question is, what are you all going to do when I turn 18?
How will you survive, if you're this incapable?
Figure it out, because I'm leaving for good in less than 2 months.
As I see it, I have nothing worth coming back to either.
I've made my own family, away from all of you, because you've shown me no love; just
irrational hatred and mistrust.

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