Tuesday, 9 July 2013
03:14:32 AM (GMT)
Well okay, so this will be a little bit of a confession; or maybe not. I don't
fucking know. Uh, so it's like this: theoretically, I can get enjoyment from sexual
things... and what type of enjoyment this is varies. Like, approval. The feeling of
not being in control, like someone else is in control, which can be stress relieving
and makes me feel safe. But, I still have really terrible feelings about it. My
stomach kind of twists and hurts, my heart aches, I shiver or even cry. It never
feels right. But my need to please people and get approval makes it somewhat worth
it. Plus, I'm just lonely as fuck. And I do think I'm asexual, or demisexual, or
something like that. The thought of having sex with someone in real life makes me
almost have an anxiety attack. But people keep telling me I'm just going to find a
guy who will be content with just cuddling and kissing, and no sex, and I think
that's probably true. So does that mean I'd have to have sex with him just to please
him and I'd still feel miserable? I guess. In fact, I'm kind of resigned to it. But
that would feel terrible. Ugh. I don't know.
There has been one person who I've genuinely thought I'd sleep with if given
the chance, and enjoy it too. But, it's because I feel an emotional connection
with him that I've never felt with anyone else. Which is where the demisexual thing
comes in. But, I can't have that kind of relationship with him, for several reasons.
Primarily because he has a girlfriend. But I don't think I'm going to be able to get
close enough to someone in real life to feel that kind of attraction towards them.
Because the only reason I got so close to him was because we met online, and have so
much in common. It's hard to find people that I have anything in common with,
and it's in my nature to try to distance myself from everyone, without even meaning
to sometimes. And so this is all very frustrating. I'd like to just give up, and
never date anyone or seek a relationship, but the problem with that is I'm so lonely
I think I'm losing my mind. Really honestly, I think I'm going insane.