Sunday, 26 August 2012
06:25:56 PM (GMT)
Life really sucks right now.
My girl semi-hates me. It's my fault, i messed up big time, a while ago. but she
still holds it over me.
I don't expect her to move on yet, but she makes my life hell sometimes, more than
I beat myself up over what happened, but she doesn't see it. Doesn't see my bawl my
eyes out at night.
She doesn't see how much I want to get her out of the place she's in. That vile man
living with her, hurting her.
but then again, I hurt her more than he did. and it sickens me.
every day i want to put my rifle in my mouth and pull the trigger.
The hunger doesn't help either. I wake up, stomach hurting, go to bed, stomach
hurting. I'm lucky if I actually get to eat a sandwich throughout the day.
I've actually contemplated going to bakeries and getting the old doughnuts out of the
but pride kicks in, and stops me. I just go without.
I swear I've lost 15lbs the past two weeks, and I only weighed 145.
I'm so tired all the time, and lonely, and sad. A fucking failure.
This weekend was the first time I'd had a meal in a while.
I have no electric anymore, no gas for my car, no gas for my water heater.
I'm living like I'm in the third world.
But then again, I've done it before. While on my tours I would look at poor people
and think, "THAT is what REAL poverty looks like"
Ten year old kids with younger siblings, digging through landfills for food or
something to trade. One of the saddest things I'd ever witnessed.
I know I feel sorry for myself. Like I was dealt a bad hand. Fact is, I RUIN IT ALL!!
Dad was right, I'm a worthless piece of shit. And I am by society's standards.
I hate society though, this world we were born into, built by our forefathers.
The pointless laws, always getting tighter and more severe, you can hardly breathe.
People weren't supposed to be controlled like this.
Someone just nuke this place. I know I'd thrive in a natural world. but there's
NOTHING natural about our existence, as it stands now.