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Previous entry: Filling out more questions... in category (general)

It's November, that means I have to write something new!Category: (general)
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
04:06:04 PM (GMT)
I choose you, Depressachu.

Alright. I've messed up a lot. I cheated on a guy who is without a doubt one of the
kindest, sweetest, and all-around raddest guys I've ever known. And you know what? I
still regret it, and I probably will for the rest of my life. Not because I still
want to be in a relationship with the first guy, even, but just because I loved the
times we had together and I want to be able to call him on the phone and say
"Remember that? Yeah, that was crazy, man!". Or just have someone who knows me to
talk to about stuff. I mean really knows me, you know? Like someone that I've known
and made dirty jokes with since third grade. Suzi definitely fits the bill, but I
feel more and more that she has her own set of friends, and her own new life now. And
a lot of other friends decided I was a jerk after what had happened and decided I
wasn't a good friend. I certainly don't blame them. And then there's the ones who
have known me for years but never got to really know me, that saw me on the surface
instead of who I really am. Not to say that I'm some kind of deep spiritual person,
because let's face it, fuck no. But just because I have short hair and wear guys'
jeans doesn't make me a tomboy; just because I'd prefer to leave schools and be home
alone all day doesn't make me some kind of socially deprived hermit; and just because
I make fun of myself in an attempt to make you laugh does not mean it hurts any less
when you mock me. The kind of friend that would call me first when they needed me to
do something for them, but when either of us was down and needed someone to talk to
we were each others' last resort. I certainly don't regret leaving those kind of
friends. But the one thing I am a little sad about is that now the only person I know
close enough and well enough to turn to when I need advice, and to have that
proverbial shoulder I can cry on, is the boy that I cheated with. And he certainly is
a nice enough guy, just... every time I see him, I'm reminded of what happened. And I
wonder what would happen if I didn't make that kind of mistake, if I was still with
the first guy, and just friends with the second. I'm kind of working to have more
close friends I can turn to about these things, or at the very least one more friend,
and so far I think it's working. Is it sad to be so incredibly proud of myself for
making one kind-of-friend?
Last edited: 2 November 2010

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