Saturday, 9 August 2008
02:37:41 AM (GMT)
Nnngh. I'm feeling bad.
So I'll rant because no one knows what's going on :D lol!
I miss Emma. So much it hurts. I feel like I want to hike to the train station and
just go, not having any idea where she lives. I'd ride to the station closest to her
town and then walk on the highway 'till I get to the center of town and ask around.
I almost did that when Bri ran away. I was going to go with her to Emma's house and
then come back. I remember that, didn't work out but when we pooled our money to get
her out of her house we got almost $400. She was going to try and get a job.
I miss her too. We promised we would hang out over the summer but there's three weeks
'till school starts and I haven't seen her since the end of year ceremony. I just
hope. beg. pray that it doesn't end up like what happened with me and Kierran. I
can't believe that. Me and my fucking mental problems. We just grew apart and there
was nothing else to it. That's what makes it worse than if we'd gotten into a fight
and declared our friendship over from that point. I miss laughing until my stomach
hurt. I miss meeting at our lockers between every single class and laughing about
stories and the craziness of just life. I actually cried. I miss my best friend.
The first few weeks of ninth grade were an omen.
'Nothing will be the same. Nothing will be carefree. Your life, your childhood is
gone. Get used to it. You are an adult now. This is the adult world.'
I like to feel I was robbed. I cringe at the people online that flaunt 'emo' like a
fashion statement, and the rest who complain about their lives like they have
nothing. Sure, I will admit that there are people who have had horrible lives. But
even my mom said to me, "This isn't normal. No fifteen year old should have to
deal with things like this." But still, the facts are out; this year was the
worst of my life, but I still have everything. I have reason to live. Everyone does,
they just may not see it. That's the term 'you don't really know what you have until
it's gone'. Don't dare say 'But I have nothing' because that's a load of complete
bullshit. You have hands. You have feet. You have a heart and a soul. You have a mind
beyond all comprehension. And, hell, you're reading this so you are even fortunate
enough to have a computer. I'm not saying think about the people in need and the
third world countries, because we all know that statement is the first thing to come
out of our parents mouths. We've heard it so much we don't understand it anymore, and
it becomes salt in the wound. That's when we say 'they don't care. they don't
understand.' No. They don't know what to say. It's like raising a plant or a pet,
watching it grow and take in the fullness of life, giving it as much as you can to
help it along. But then it catches a disease, something they don't know how to heal,
and they watch their baby wilt before them, and they can't do anything. They try the
over the counter, general methods of curing; psychiatrists and such. But they scream
for the real cure. They want to see you healthy again. Smiling. Free of this mess.
Out of the hole you fell into, with your head above the water.
Hm, lost my train on that one.
Just an explanation: This is about much, much more than what one would expect when
It's just that things that have happened to me in the past year are not to be taken
lightly enough to just be scribbled about all over the internet.
I hope you understand and respect that.
That's not even why I'm feeling sad, surprisingly.
I...can't. I can't say I love you because I can't say it's true. People say I do.
But, I'm still living off the lies spoon-fed to me by Hollywood and the internet and
Disney since birth. Love is magic. Love is binding and I could never take it
lightly. That's why I never have. That's why I would never go out with someone I've
known for less than a year or more. I never want to be lied to. I never want to just
settle for someone. That's why we're so difficult. I never want to end up with
someone like my dad. I never want to be divorced like there was nothing. Because
that's how I will act. That's why I give up so easily on things. That's why I
never pursue anything that I passionately want. Ever. I'm so easy to cave. You can't
have that. Ok. I don't mind my parents' divorce at all. People are always saying,
"That must have been so hard for you." No, actually it was simple. Clockwork really.
It was meant to happen, and it did. And we were fine. But it affected me in a way
that I don't grieve over it. It affected who I am and my character, my mentality. I
don't know what love is. There's Hollywood and Disney. Then there's the superficial
relationships of teenagers, spawned purely from the influence of pop culture and
raging hormones. Then there's a true connection. Or at least I like to believe. I
think we have that. But does that mean that a 'true connection' sacrifices 'loving
passion'. Bri once asked me, (of the many times she's asked me if I actually love you
or not) if I could see us married or having sex. No. I never have. But now it's
getting weird. We're not conventional, you know that. 'Normal' has never been 'us'.
Mom still laughs at how weird we are in our relationship. You love me, and I know it.
I confuse you, and I can't figure myself out. You're my best friend, but I feel like
I'm using you. I don't know if I love you but I continue to lead you on. I am, but
I'm not. I love kissing you, but I don't feel the passion I'm told I'm supposed to.
Mom says it's supposed to be weird like that the first couple of times. But, hell,
'first couple of times' ended a while ago. It's true, though. You've probably
noticed. Kissing isn't such a holy hell big deal for me anymore. I'm being more
casual. Probably because I know I want it, and there's the feeling of using you.
The real reason I'm saying this, Viki likes you. She told me today, or more, I said
it and she was surprised I could call it out so easily. I feel like she's desperate,
but who isn't? I keep reading here online, people who are screaming 'I'm single'. I
don't remember feeling that desperate, but I know I did feel that way once. I always
see it and think 'how?'. Probably because I have you. I told Viki I would help her
and hey, maybe she could get you off my back.
I hated it. Again, I felt I was using you, because if you two were going out we
couldn't kiss anymore. And I felt arrogant, because I thought there was no way you
could stop loving me. I felt like crap. I was like Viki, I saw you and her like she
saw Mike and Katie. Both her best friend and the guy she liked, going out after
knowing each other for four hours, and living every day in their shadow, pretending
to be happy. I will step down. I am JB, I will never fight for myself and what I
want. I will watch Conner get taken away from me by Winda and not care. This is how I
am. Even though it may crush me forever, I will step down and hate myself for it.
You said we needed to talk things over. I know. You hate how you don't know. I don't
like things about you. I hate how you get all man-instinct and start acting really
possesive of me in public like I'm yours (hah, in other news, I will never be
owned, thank you very much) I hate public displays of affection. Romantic gushy
crap is cute on the tv screen or in the fanfiction but it makes me cringe. Maybe it's
because I'm so afraid of being weak. When people see, it's embarrassing. I feel like
it hurts my image of being tough. I sound like an ass, but I have psychological
issues with this shit. I'm smart enough to realize them and point it out, but not
able to fix them. The same with my fear of talking to people I haven't seen in a
while and picking up the phone and acting on whim and doing what I want. I hate how
you're trying to kiss me during a movie the entire fucking time and I JUST WANT TO
WATCH THE FUCKING MOVIE! XD But I hate how that's our only chance to be mushy and
completely gay. I hate how we're really awkward and silent but I also hate when we
even attempt flirting. I hate how we're not perfect or easy. I hate how I'm taller
and older than you. I HATE BEING TICKLED AND I HATE HOW EVERYONE KNOWS MY WEAKNESS.
DAMN IT EMMA POINTING OUT MY SQUEEK SPOT. I hate how we can't have a single serious
conversation. I hate holding hands while walking. I hate not knowing much about you.
I hate how you've said my actual name maybe four times and I've known you three
I love messing with your hair. I love the way you smell. I want to steal your
sweatshirts. (I'll buy you more T_T) I love how your face is freakishly warm. I
actually like it when you forget to shave (Please don't grow a 'stace, lol kthxbai).
I love your jokes, and how you ruin them miserably, that's really embarrassing in
front of friends but it's fun to laugh at you and call you a failure. And I love your
comebacks. I love im-ing you and just completely bullshitting on the internet 'till
three in the morning like we used to, sending over 50,000 messages to each other (
you remember that? lol, I have it saved. Mom was like, who the hell did you send
52,046 messages to?!) I would love to fall asleep in your arms if you weren't trying
to kiss me the whole time. I love pretending to sleep on your shoulder. I love Dr.
Sobe's Bawls. I love how we're friends even though it's like we hardly know each
other. I love your stupid, stupid dorky laugh. I love how eye contact scares us.
I think I love you.
And, no, we're still not going out again. :P Bah get over it, it's better this way
than it ever was that way.
Hauh, ok. Feeling better me? maybe. I have a headache now and I'm tired but I finally
got this rant out after holding it in for a year and a half.
So, dear friends of Kupika (if you've survived reading this far :I ) should I send
this to him?