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This diary entry is written by ‹stickyvaporeon›. ( View all entries )
 
Previous entry: what the fuck even is our generation in category Random Rantings and Ravings
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I have things to say!Category: It's Me
Sunday, 16 August 2015
05:36:50 AM (GMT)
My friend Ren came over today and we spent like seven hours talking and it was
amazing. Like, finally, someone who is intellectually stimulating. Ren
speaks five languages, is learning a sixth. They're always knowledgeable about the
current goings-on of political things nationally and globally. They're Serbian and
have a really cool history because their parents were first generation immigrants who
were a part of the Serbian punk movement in the 70's, about which there was a
documentary filmed, and they are in said documentary. Ren showed me a clip of it and
translated the lyrics of the song for me. Also, Ren can play three instruments,
and sing. THEY ARE SO INTELLIGENT AND INTERESTING AND I'M HAPPY TO KNOW THEM.


Also, Ren is asexual and talked to me about that. It was kind of nice because it's
always something I'm afraid to talk about. But that's because I don't really know
anyone closely who is asexual, and I'm used to people just not understanding. So it
was so refreshing and relieving to finally have someone sit next to me
and be able to relate to my experiences. And I'm not sure that I'm asexual, and I was
finally able to talk about that, because Ren was actually interested and wasn't like
everyone else, "Oh just don't worry about it because labels are stupid and don't
matter." Like, okay, I understand that there are people who totally don't need them,
and it is possible to let them get in the way too much, like if you form your
entire identity around them. But the truth is, it's okay to use a label to
communicate your sexuality to others. Because there are situations in which people
need to know: Are you into sex? Which gender do you want to have sex with? Which
gender do you fall in love with? Etc. (It's also okay to change your labels over
time, because self discovery is a continual process and who you are is much more vast
than any label) 
So anyway, Ren was super patient with me as I sifted through emotions and struggled
to verbalize my thoughts. It's a really hard thing for me to talk about, and I really
appreciated that they cared to listen at all. But Ren is just super understanding and
always helps me make sense of things, and it's really fantastic. 

The truth is I just want a relationship that is innocent and playful, where me and my
person I love can just be like little kids and have fun and adventures and be silly
and get excited about things together, and I don't want sex to be a part of it really
because sex is more of the adult-world kind of thing? siiiiiigh 
and that's sort of why I was so into things with Benji, because our interactions were
always cute, playful, innocent, silly, childlike. I want to create my own world out
of things that make me happy, like cats and pokemon and stuffed animals and art and
Halloween, and I want to have someone to live there with me and I want us to be in a
state of permanent infatuation where we just can't get over how cool the other person
is. and we can hide from all the nasty stuff in the outside world.
like 4example my friend on here, her tumblr is about dd/lg which is basically like
one person (the guy pm always) is like the adult figure and then the other person (a
girl usually) acts like a little kid? and it's usually a highly sexual thing? Okay so
just imagine instead of an adult/child or parent/child dynamic it's a child/child
dynamic, and it's not sexual. Does that paint a better picture? maybe? 
like I'm not saying we'd dress like little kids or anything it's just like how we
interact around each other. we don't have to act that way around other people. I just
want... sigh 
Do I sound fucking retarded? 
this is the hardest thing to explain ever
I'm trying so hard
I'll keep trying 
Here's another thing: 
When you're a kid you have this sense of "I have all the time in the world." Like,
you want to learn how to roller skate? then you'll get super excited about it and go
do it, or, if you can't do it right now, it doesn't concern you too much because
you'll be like, well, that's something I'll do when I'm older. But as an adult you're
like, "I can't learn how to roller skate, I don't have time, I'm too old, I should
have learned a long time ago, now everyone will be better than me and laugh at me for
trying, I just shouldn't even bother." Like you have this sense that you're life is
over by the time you're only twenty-something. You know? 
I just hate that adult mindset. I want to be able to geek out over things without
having to worry about "shit I shouldn't rant about things that no one cares about
because they'll get annoyed and won't want to be around me anymore," because that's
what you learn as an adult. but as a kid you just get super fucking excited over
things. Like say you're 9 levels of pumped up because you know exactly 1,273 reasons
why [insert movie] is the best movie in the entire fucking universe, and you
just really want to tell someone all these things, okay? And so in my ideal
relationship we could discuss all that shit and get super excited together and feed
off each others' enthusiasm and just have crazy fun conversations about all the
things we love. Whereas in Adult World there's this unspoken rule where you have to
make small talk and not dive into any topic too specific because the other person
might not really give a shit about that this in particular and if you show too much
enthusiasm about any one thing you run the risk of being judged or being viewed as a
freak. 
But when you're a kid you just don't fucking give a shit because you're probably
completely oblivious to the fact that they don't care because you are just so
consumed by your passion for this topic. And I've been in Adult World long enough
that I'd never again be able to be oblivious to someone's disinterest in my rantings,
but at least in my ideal relationship I'd have someone to listen to me so that I'd be
able to be happy about something safely without having to worry that the other person
was thinking in their head, "Oh my gawwd shut the fuck uppppp you fucking loserrrr."

yeah? you following? 
it's funny because I'm talking as if anyone would actually read this 

so yes basically my ideal person would be a guy (I like guys with long hair, makeup
is cool, sometimes I like guys who look like girls) and he'd be into fun in
general, like pretty much all kinds of things like video games and cooking and
art and music and dressing up (cosplay or otherwise) and exploring and reading and
movies and just all kinds of things, and have a general enthusiasm for life. and sex
would never be his priority, he wouldn't view our relationship as simply a fountain
overflowing with sexual water from which he draws his life source, no, he would not
be a fuckboy nor a shallow hormonal humping machine. (nnnnot saying all allosexual
are like that!!!!) 
so yeah
just felt like
saying stuff
so there it is... stuff
˘-˘ ~

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