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Previous entry: Maxim"s Top Funniest Jokes pt 2 in category (general)

Maxim"s Top Funniest Jokes pt 3Category: (general)
Friday, 25 April 2014
03:30:06 PM (GMT)
Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As
soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."
"I know the feeling," the other says.
"No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."

 A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a
hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her
naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second
man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, "These examinations are fine,
but when are you going to start the operation?"
He shrugs and says, "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here to paint
the halls."

 Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, "Men, make two
lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped.
All the women can go with St. Peter."
After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line
and only one guy in the dominant line.
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves!" God cries. "I created you in my image, and
all of you cowed down to women? Can any of you explain this?" No one dares says a
God then turns to the man standing alone and says, "Tell me, my son, how did you
manage to be the only one on this line?"
"I don't know," the guy replies, shrugging. "My wife told me to stand here."

 Two old men were sitting on a front porch just watching life pass by. Suddenly, a
Great Dane walks across their front lawn. The dog stops, lays down, and begins
licking itself.
The first old man says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."
The other old man says, "I don't know. If I were you, I might try petting him

 An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive
Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect
it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed,
she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. As she turns back, standing
next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"
"Ma'am," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap when you hear
the price!"

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it
with her all night. She kept screaming, "Fujifoo! Fugifoo!" The American thought she
was screaming in pleasure.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.
Wanting to impress the clients, he shouted "Fujifoo!" One of the Japanese men looked
at him with a very confused look on his face and said, "No, you got the right hole."

 A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his
sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is
watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he
heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began
searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect
the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the
voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then
squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

 A man approaches a very well-endowed, beautiful woman in a supermarket.
"I've lost my girlfriend," he tells her. "Can you stand here and talk to me for a few
"Sure, but I don't understand how that would help," she replies.
"Well, it seems like every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, my
girlfriend appears out of nowhere."

 Q: Why are blondes so easy?
A: Who cares.

Q: What is the hardest thing about roller-blading?
A: Telling your dad you're gay.

 A man walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Hey, you wanna
hear a great Polish joke?"
"Listen, pal," the guy replies. "I'm Poland's kick-boxing champion. My two friends
here are both world-ranked judo masters, and they're Polish, too. Now, you still want
to tell that joke?"
"Nah," the man replies, "I don't feel like explaining it three times."

 Q: Why do bulimics love KFC?
A: Because it comes with a bucket.

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his shirt. "Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt
again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me."
"Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket.
"Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches
into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Why are there two twenties?" she asks.
The drunk replies, "Ummm, yeah... he crapped in my pants, too."

 One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw
two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!"
"Bring them along!" said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "You come
with us, too."
"But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!" he answered.
"Bring them, as well!" answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the
limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank
you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot

 Four men go golfing one day. Three of them head to the first tee, and the fourth
goes to take a leak. The three men start talking about their sons. The first man
says, "My son is a home builder. He's so successful he built a house for his friend,
free of charge."
The second man says, "My son owns a big car dealership. He's doing so well that he
gave his friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
Not to be outdone, the third man brags, "My son's a stockbroker. He gave a close
buddy an entire portfolio."
The fourth man rejoins the group, and the first man says, "How's your son doing these
"Well, my son is gay, and he go-go dances in bars," the guy replies.
There's an awkward silence. "I'm not thrilled about his job," the guy continues, "but
he must be doing well. He's got new a house, a Mercedes, and an impressive stock

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and
tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me
that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past 3.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen
our tent."

 A traveling salesman's car breaks down in the country, so he decides to call on the
closest farmhouse.
When the farmer opens the door, the salesman says, "Sir, my car died just up the
road. Could I stay here for tonight?"
The farmer says, "Sure, but I have a very handsome son and you'll have to promise not
to sleep with him."
"Excuse me," says the salesman, "but I think I'm in the wrong joke."

 The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and
handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter
what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent
replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the
room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came outwith tears in his
eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it
takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and
said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to
death with the chair!"

 In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male. These two
statues faced each other for many, many years. Early one morning an angel appeared
before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and
have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby
give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with
that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a
couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues
giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15
minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold down the pigeon and
I'll crap on its head!"

19. One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $500 bet
on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am,
to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas.'" The golf pro didn't know what a
"gotcha" was, but he went along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the
golf pro paying the duffer $500. "What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club
down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my crotch while yelling
'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second

 Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado that hits a state funeral they're all
attending and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and
come before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I've come for some courage." 

"No problem!"
says the Wizard. "Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well…I…I think I need a heart." 

"Done," says
the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"
Up steps George W. Bush, who says, "I'm told by the American people that I need a

"Not a problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done." 

There is a
great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?" 

"Ummm," he says
quietly, "is Dorothy around?"

 A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just
produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him
from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"
Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the
father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he
weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "17 pounds."
The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his
shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

 An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them,
and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different
about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room
completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different now?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down
because it's looking at my new boots!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."

 A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk
that they were just married that morning.
"Would you like the bridal?" the clerk asks them.
"No thanks," the cowboy answers. "I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the
hang of it."

 A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story
with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids come in and share their stories. "My daddy told me about my
uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy
territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the
whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15,
stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands."
"What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.
"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."

 After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out
for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best
beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King
of Beers,' a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer
made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little
taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer,
neither would I."

 A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a
hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

 A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were
there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you
can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it
would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he
rose from the dead." Shaking his head, he continued, "I just can't take that
Last edited: 25 April 2014

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