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This diary entry is written by ‹diary.of.a.dead.girl.›. ( View all entries )
 
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I just don't know.Category: (general)
Saturday, 30 June 2012
11:45:15 PM (GMT)
I remember being different as a kid.
I was never really happy about being alive like the other kids were. 
Me & Ethan sat back & watched the other kids run around, without a care in the
world.
Boys never chased me when we were kids.
I didn't care at all though, boys disgusted me.
Hell, they still do to be quite honest.
I didn't dress like the other girls. 
Fucking hated dresses.
I wore my little Guns 'n Roses tshirt & green cargo shorts whenever I got a chance
to.
I didn't care about what others thought.

I don't exactly remember when or what age I was when everything changed.
I just remember one night, dad came home from my uncle danny's house. 
He stumbled to the bathroom, hit the door & fell backwards.
He passed out on the ground.
I screamed at him till he woke up, he told me he was okay & to go back to my room.
I realized what was going on later on that year. 
I didn't understand what an alcoholic was though.

I always made him little cards with giant, pink hearts on them.
The hearts were always crying.
The little cards begged him to quit smoking.
He was my hero, there was no way I could lose him sooner than the other kids' dads.
He never listened to me, he only smoked more.

I was an emotional kid, I remember crying over every little thing.
Never over pain of my own, but other's.
I've only seen my dad cry a few times in my life.
The first time I did, I couldnt control myself, I broke the fuck down & sobbed with
him.
I didn't know that there were worse things in the world,
I had no idea plenty was in store for the future.

My mother always smelled like perfume & hairspray & copper, for some reason.
She used to hold me, back in the day.
I loved her, so much.
My love was unconditional.
She screamed at me, alot more with every passing year.
She told me she hated me once when I was thirteen.
I still love her.

My mom was a vain & selfish woman.
She still is.
She made me hate myself at a very early age.
I wasn't the skinniest kid ever.
I loved food, & hated exercise.
She used to bully me into not eating.
I used to go to bed without dinner sometimes & just cry, because I thought my mom
would be proud of me.
She wasn't, she kept going & going.

She called me a little piggy all the time when I was in seventh grade.
So every time I ate, I threw up.
I took half an hour after each meal to go to the bathroom, & puke my guts out.
I didnt care about the health problems it caused for me.
I still dont.
Fuck it, it doesn't get better.

I still don't eat as much as I should.
I still throw up whenever I eat too much.
I hate myself still.

My dad still smokes,
I still smoke,
heavily.
I had my first cigarette when i was eleven.
I felt bad for asking my dad to quit when I realized how hard it is.

My dad still drinks,
So do I, nearly every day now.
We always have alcohol in the house, & I don't care.

I snort pills, one of my sinus cavities is fucked up because of it.
I cut my legs up to the point there's no room to cut anymore.
I lost my virginity a year ago, & I've had sex several times since then. Several,
several times.
& I turn fifteen in a month.
I'm too young to be the way I am.
Kids are getting more & more fucked up, earlier & earlier nowadays.
I'm just one of the many examples from my town.
It doesn't matter, I can't take any of it back, but I can keep going.

I need to change but I don't want to. 
I lie and cheat and steal and have sex and i just fucking suck every way possible.
But I don't plan on changing.
I know i'm gonna die young but I don't caaaaaare.


This really doesn't mean anything, its just sort of a self reflection.
Last edited: 30 June 2012

Comments 
‹ecstasy. ♥› says:   5 July 2012   365156  
Babydoll.
I love you sooo much.
And I realize,
I'm just like you.
After I read this I realized how alike we are.
It astonishes me.
You're such an amazing person.
You're gorgeous.
Funny.
& the best anyone could ask for.
Don't let anyone tell you different.
You know what you say?
Fuck you. c:
 
‹diary.of.a.dead.girl.› says:   5 July 2012   247401  
@Torri_IsLegitLikeOhShit 
I love you dos, a ridiculous amount. & Right back at you, doll. You
deserve the absolute best. <3 I love you, veery much. c: 
 
‹ecstasy. ♥› says:   5 July 2012   308010  
@MyNameIsTater
Text me, hon. (:
I have a new phone now. 
 
‹diary.of.a.dead.girl.› says :   5 July 2012   384113  
@Torri_IsLegitLikeOhShit 
Will do, my love <3 
 
 
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