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This diary entry is written by Kablammo_Dude. ( View all entries )
 
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I push myselfCategory: (general)
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
01:19:31 PM (GMT)
Too far?
I don't know the definition of that.
It worries her when I run, and understandably so.
I have asthma, and to me, the definition of "too far", is when I literally have to
stop because if I take another step, I will start an asthma attack that I can't come
back from.
I have it under control, I have dealt with this all of my life, I have a good grasp
on the concept of when to stop.
It scares me to think, though, that one step too far could be the one that does it. 
I don't worry about dying, but drowning without water doesn't sound like the most
pleasant way to go.
I've got this.
I push myself much harder than she knows.
I don't lie to her, but I don't exactly tell her how much it hurts, how close I get
to the edge.
I have been overweight for at least ten years now, and I have fucking had enough.
I actually eat healthy now. I eat normal, well balanced meals.
I limit myself to only eating meals, and I rarely eat dessert or have snacks between
meals.
My metabolism sucks, so this alone will not get me the results I need.
So far, I am at 60 LBS lost. I got up to about 70 a  year ago, then gained 30 back in
a couple months, proving how terrible my metabolism is.
The main reason I lost 70 in the first place was because I developed a stomach ulcer
at college, the reason I dropped out for a while.
It's pretty easy to lose weight when you wake up and vomit the contents of your
stomach, regardless of whether or not there is solid food there.
I feel my ulcer coming back some mornings, but I am not taking the medicine I need.
I gave it to Jesse, she needs it to heal the damage she has done, and in my own sick
way, I want the ulcer to come back.
I want to remember what it feels like to not be hungry.
When I eat, I eat a lot.
I don't stop when I feel myself getting full, I don't stop when my plate is empty.
I can't stop until I have tried everything my mind can think of.
That moment usually never comes, so my back up is when I am too full to move or
breathe.
THIS IS WHY I HAVE HAD ENOUGH
I am not going to starve myself, I am just going to eat very little.
I will get my food groups, and get around 1500 calories a day, ideally.
BUT I AM GOING TO BURN EVERY LAST FUCKING CALORIE I CONSUME
I am going to run every morning. 
At least 2 or 3 miles.
I am going to do situps at least twice a week.
I am going to lift weights at least twice a week.
I will have at least one day of rest every week, to heal my muscles.
I am not stupid, I know that starving myself and exercising nonstop will not work,
and not be healthy.
I will go about it in a reasonable way, but I will not stop.
I WILL BE RELENTLESS
I would like to say that I want to do it to be healthy, and that is mostly true.
I want to live a long life, and not have to worry about having a heart attack or
stroke by the time I am thirty.
I want to be able to be a good role model to my future kids, and the kids that I will
teach in school.
I want to be able to work and exercise without getting too sore to move, or almost
collapsing under the weight of my lungs.
I will do this.
However, I know that inside lies a deep-seeded hatred of my appearance.
I hate looking at my thighs, my chin, my stomach, my chest, my arms, my face.
A lot of people would look at me and say that I am not fat.
I know that many people have it much worse than me, and I should be grateful for the
progress I have made, but I AM NOT.
I HATE THE WAY I LOOK
I am still at least 30 lbs above the maximum recommended weight for men my height,
and I am a broad-built person, so I will be somewhat content WHEN I reach that
weight.
I would like to lose 40 to 50 pounds, though.
It's not so much what I weigh, because I plan on lifting a lot, and you don't lose
much weight when you lift.
I JUST WANT TO GET RID OF THE FAT
THE UNHEALTHY, UNSIGHTLY CRAP THAT DECIDES TO CLING TO EVERY PART OF MY BODY
FUCK, I HATE IT
I hate to sound so vain, because I honestly feel that everyone is beautiful in their
own way, whether fat, or skinny, tall or short, regardless of race, facial structure,
hair color, anything.
Everyone is beautiful, everyone is unique.
It doesn't seem to apply to me though, and I guess that is because I know I can
control it, and for the majority of my life, I haven't.
And that disturbs me.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH
I AM DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT
I am going to eat as little as is healthily possible.
I am going to exercise as much as I possibly can without damaging my body.
I am going to push myself as hard as I can, every time.
I will not be stopped.
Not this time.
I WILL PUSH MYSELF
Whether or not that is "too far" remains to be seen.

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