Saturday, 5 March 2011
10:16:05 PM (GMT)
I'm so depressed. I don't let people know because people hate when I
complain, or at least that's how it seems. And it's killing me inside that I don't
know what goes on in my friends lives, who I'm even talking to or why I'm even here.
My social life is at an all time low, and my only friends are online. The fact that I
have two friends kills me.
The people I call friends, I don't-
I don't even know what's going on in their lives because I don't know how to speak to
people. I'm the most socially awkward person ever, and because my head is to wrapped
up in Sam I've got no time for other people. It's pissing me off that I watch
everyone around me make friends and do things and have fun and talk about it all the
time when.. Realistically? I sit around my house on the internet all day putting up
with my stupid ass family who say I know nothing and that I'm the most immature
person they've ever met and that I'm going to fail at life and end up exactly where
they are. I don't understand.
I'm a fairly mature person, and bottling shit up isn't healthy. I'm suicidal, but I
don't tell anyone because well, they don't need to know. Nor do they truly care. The
only person that seems to care is Sam. But I don't know. I don't let other people
into my personal bubble, because I don't know how to trust. I don't understand it.
My girlfriend didn't even know I was in love with her. Honestly, I never thought I
was capable of love but she- I'm in love with her. I've never wanted to be with
someone so much in my life. Yet she hurt me really bad with Joey-, I broke up with
her because I was scared that I was going to get hurt. That's why I stuck to dating
and screwing then leaving. I'm scared of commitment. I've been so fucking scared of
it since Cory. I thought I fell in love with him, god, I still miss him, but the same
thing with Abel. I made Abel cry.
I thought he was cheating on me, so I cheated on him back. I honestly adored him, he
was fun to be around, he always made me happy but it scared me. I screwed myself by
doing what I did, and I learned from experience that there is never a "perfect"
relationship. Abel liked me for who I was, not what I looked like. Honestly? I was
ugly as hell, and he was hotter than hell.
I miss my cats, my friend Emily laughed at me because I told her I cried over it. I
miss Mommakitty, she was the cat I raised from a kitten. I helped her give birth, I
babied her and her kittens when my parents wanted to let them out on the street.
I want to go back to North Royalton, I want to live the life that was better than
perfect. I had friends, I had a life. Here? I have a few in real life friends. There?
I was happy, I had tons of friends, I was never online because I was always out and
doing things. I hate it here. You don't even know what I would give to go back to
North Royalton. To be able to be in 30 minute distance from my girlfriend, to be in
walking distance of my best friends. To be able to make sure someone had my back all
the time. When I cried my friends would sit and hold me through it. I had friends
who's parents hated me but they'd talk to me anyways, they'd find ways to talk to me
no matter what. Because they were close to me, and they wanted me to be happy. Here,
it's just.. Degrading. Nobody cares about me. Sarah, sure, but she's to depressing to
be around. She's an attention whore, and she expects me to listen to her and tell her
everything. But whenever I need to rant.. She refuses to let me. She throws a fit
about how her life is worse.
She at least got to live in a stable house her whole life. I've moved from state to
state, county to county and house to house since I was born. I can't stand talking to
people who've stayed in one place for so long, long enough to keep friends more than
In North Royalton, I kept my friends. I never ha to worry a bout losing them because
they knew me to well, and I knew them to well to not have to worry about them judging
me or leaving me. Ones who were there for me. But here? Nobody. Jesus, Ohio's tough.
The people there are assholes and that's a fact but when you know someone since
gradeschool and most of middleschool you learn to become great friends with them. You
stay with them, and that's your clique.
My summer was great in cecil, and I think about it all the time. I map out the north
royalton middle school in my head daily, just so i don't forget the great memories i
did have there.
Lisa died this morning, Adam and Zach's mom. Zach was suicidal to begin with, and he
as nobody. He's worse off than I am, he has nobody. His father is in Jail, and
he has literally no friends. He's got the biggest heart in the world, and everybody
crushes it. I feel really bad for what we've done to him, because it wasn't right.
I'm so scared he's going to commit suicide, and I have a funeral to attend soon
because of it. I don't-
Lisa was great to us. She was one of those people that you consider family because
she earned that right. She was like another mother to me, my brother, my mom, my
father. My father's taking it really roughly. I'm not burying a sixteen year old boy
who was in love with me. I don't even-
I'm trying not to bawl my eyes out right now.
urgh. I'm ranting right now.
I'm sorry guys, you don't have to read this and I don't deserve you reading this
because it's pathetic.
I really need some friends
I really need to be normal
I really need my girlfriend
But the only decent thing is that i'm in love. I have been in love, but she never
knew until now. I've been in love with my best friend for a while now. To bad she
never knew until now.
I just wish someone would hold me right now. I want to cry so badly, you don't