Friday, 11 February 2011
01:30:09 AM (GMT)
I keep going back and forth between this. He's such a great friend, and I can live
with that... it just makes me so mad that I have to watch him and Aubree hold hands
and be so great together just days after he told me he liked me.
And I really don't mind so much that he chose her over me... it just hurts because I
feel like I always come last. I feel like there is always going to be some other
person who comes first. It's like... with my mom I feel like I come last, even next
to the freaking dog. When we visit with my cousin, she's all she pays attention to.
Like that one time when I made such a big display about how much I wanted to read
this one book we saw at the store. My cousin made a comment about how it looked good,
but that was all she really said about. And I didn't expect to get it, so I was
surprised when I saw my mom picked it up and put it in the cart. I thought she was
getting it for me and the whole rest of the time in the store I was just so excited
and happy that I would get to read it. Then we get in the car and she hands it to my
cousin... like I wasn't even there. Like I wasn't making a huge deal about wanting
it. That's pretty much how it is with my mom. She makes me get up out of my spot so
the dog can sit there... it makes me mad.
But anyway... this isn't supposed to be about my mom. It's just.... he was the first
guy I could ever see myself with and he had me thinking it was going to happen... but
it didn't. He chose her over me. I came last. Just like I always do...
And now he flaunts it. Which doesn't make it any better. I guess I"m kind of jealous.
I'm happy for them... but it doesn't mean I don't want anything like that. I act like
it doesn't bother me... but it does. A lot.
They are both such good friends... and they're good together. They even got each
other as freaking number one on the stupid data match thing our school did. I was his
number 7... not like it matters to him anymore...
I just wish somebody else can come along that I feel that way with. Or maybe just get
over my stupid low self esteem. I don't want to sound like a whiny teenager who gets
all upset if she doesn't have a boyfriend. That's not really it.
I don't want a boyfriend just to HAVE a boyfriend. That'd be stupid... I just feel
left out. Left out to what it feels like to care for somebody and to feel loved for
I know my friends care and my friends love me... but that's different. I want to
experience LOVE... you know? To experience how it feels to have somebody else love me
the same way. All my friends have. I think me and Micaela are really the only ones
left. Why does being a teenager have to suck so much?
GAH. I hate how low my sense of security is. Stupid depression... stupid parents...
stupid issues. Why do I care so much? Normally I don't... normally I'm not like this.
Normally people who complain about guys annoy me.... but here I am.
I don't know. I think it's just because for once in my life I wish I could feel
normal. To have somebody love me and for me to be able to love them. Because God
knows I need it. And for a while... even though I'm not really a religious person...
I thought maybe just MAYBE he listened and saw how much I needed that. Because it
started to happen and for about a month... that month I was so sure he liked me, and
then that week I was certain because he said it... I was happy. But it all shattered
in time, before anything could ever really start.
Now I don't what to believe in.... I just want to be happy. For once.
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