Tuesday, 23 February 2010
01:16:45 AM (GMT)
Personally, I can't keep up.
Everything's gotten so complicated, and everyone's changing. Except me, I'm still the
childish ten year old Otaku who is terrified of having a boyfriend, yet seeks one.
I still cry myself to sleep. Or read my manga until impossible hours of the night.
Nothing has changed about myself. I'm a child who can't grow up, or let go of her old
fantasies. I still listen to 80's rock music, I still dance like a geek with my
friend. I still have a fun flippy personality, but it seems like everyone's too
conceited to really notice.. Or perhaps I'm too blind to notice opening signs from
old friends. Too conceited to open myself up to the world, and to confide in people
other than those online.
Why can't I just grow up like everyone else! I'm such a child, possibly the most
immature person I know.
I can't organize my thoughts properly, I can never think straight, all I see is the
past, being around old friends always makes me remember our playground days when
everyone was friends. When everyone went out of their ways to make someone feel
special. Not these cold days where everyone belongs to a clique, where we're all
supposed to hate each other. Where we have expectations to live up to, like not being
a virgin, or possibly getting a boyfriend. Or simply passing the grade. It all gets
so complicated. As we get older, we all drift apart, your best friend from
kindergarten becomes your worst enemy in high school, or you belong in different
places, like the jocks and the science geeks, and though you may try to push and pul
away from those stereotypes and peer pressure, few ever will.
Once again, it all changes, I'm not overly confused, but perhaps overwhelmed may be
better spoken. Overwhelmed with the changing, I realized it was bound to happen, I
wasn't prepared to be tossed aside by my friends, and only spoken to when needed. As
though I'm trash, or perhaps a serf under the masters control like during the
renaissance, if I disobey I was to be beaten, and possibly shipped away.
They may not realize they do this to me, but because of it, my self esteem is
extremely low. I've become so self conscious, and quiet, in fact, I'm usually a mute
and when spoken to, I freeze up. Sometimes I forget how to speak, it doesn't come as
naturally as it used to. Or I may snap, when I don't intend to.
This is what happens when I start to think, when I start to listen to some of my old
music. I get overwhelmed with emotion. Honestly, this diary was going no where. And
if I were to continue it, I may something more personal then already spoken. =.=
I really am no good at organizing or explaining.
Well, since I'm already writing a diary, I'll tell you guys what's going on in my
Recently, I have caught a cold. It is driving me crazy, I can't breathe through my
nose, My headache is so bad it feels as though I may collapse any moment. I have a
cough, and sore throat. Oh yes, I haven't slept in the last couple days, so the bags
under my eyes are very dark, and growing.
Mayson got another boyfriend. Yippee.
There's another dance on Friday, I don't think I'll go. Considering it's a semi
formal apparently, haha, and also I'll have no one to dance with. (:
Both my parents are woring the night shift, so I'm babysitting my siblings, and
expected to go to school tomorrow. (:
How late I'll be up?
I'm not sure, Reyvan was scared so I told her I'd be up until she felt safe, may be
And trying to get rid of this killer headache. Oh Oh OH!
Also watching Mtv.
=.= I may just sleep on the couch.