Saturday, 13 December 2008
09:00:48 PM (GMT)
I can't take pills anymore.
In August I took nearly 40,000 milligrams of pills just to numb the pain. I layed on
my floor watching the walls fade until my sister came home. All I remember is her
crying while her friend and dad called the hospital. I don't know how I got up but I
ended up walking around the house. I collapsed on the floor and threw up into a
basket. I don't even remember how the basket got there. I was dragged to the car and
i sat in the front seat while my sister told me not to fall asleep. I didn't know
what was going on but I tried to keep my eyes open. I fell out of the car onto the
parking lot of the hospital and was then dragged to the door. I remember nothing of
the hospital. I woke up still drugged out but with more tubes coming through my arms
than there should ever be. The blood pressure cuff on my arm was scaring me so I
tried to pull it off but the nurse started screaming at me. I don't remember anything
really. Just blurrs of people talking to me and alot of puking. I woke up again
outside of a new room and they forced me to walk to my bed where I threw up again.
I'm told I puked for about twelve hours. I spent about three days strapped to my bed
and staring at the wall wondering why I was there and why I couldn't just go home.
Then they told me I was leaving. I went hysterical when they told me I wasn't going
home but to Abbott next door. I showered, changed my clothes, and was forced to sit
in a wheel chair because they wouldn't let me just walk. I got to the psych ward and
they showed me my room. I put all my things down and stared at my mother. After being
told what I was expected to do and how my stay was going to go my mom left and I sat
in my room cradling my book like it was the only thing holding me together. I spent
three days at Abbott. It's shorter than the usual stay which I'm thankful for. The
reason it was so short was because my doctor couldn't find anything mentally wrong
with me. I would answer his questions and tell him whatever he needed to know and he
would just stare at me. In group people did the same thing. One girl whom I had
gotten to be friends with asked me why I was even there. I couldn't answer. I didn't
know. After the time spent there I was sent home with my mom. I've never been so
happy to see my own room in my entire life.
Then my ex contacted me. He was the main reason for me being in the hospital in the
first place. In fact he was the cause of my depression to begin with. When I first
started cutting myself it was for him. But anyway, I wanted to see him. I don't know
why. It was stupid. But he only wanted sex from me. I have not seen him since then. I
do not want to see him. I have spoken to him only a few times. I look at my life now
and wonder how I could have gotten to such a low that I would let myself be
manipulated by people like him. In fact it was Jasper who kept me here after I got
out. The people in my life now are the reason I contunue to be here. Without Kyle I
don't know what I would do. But yeah, Jasper is the main person. I don't know how to
put it all into words. I do love him very much. Unfortunately, not the way I love
Kyle, but it is still love. He doesn't see that but I'm not the person to force him
I suppose whoever's reading this, if anyone, is wondering why I suddenly decided to
write all this. Well last night I guess I sort of had a flashback. I woke up and felt
like I did when I was sick. I thought I was going to pass out or throw up or
something. Immediately all those memories came back to me. I don't know. I just
wanted to get them out I suppose. It just seemed like something I had to do.
That's pretty much it I guess.