Tuesday, 18 November 2008
09:32:37 PM (GMT)
My NaNoWriMo so far. Hope you like it!
Preface: The Reason Why
I remember the day it all went wrong. I remember it too well actually. It started
out like any other. The five of us meeting at our spot. Taking out the pot and
smoking up a storm. Even as freshmen we smoked. I think that fucked us up the most,
the pot. Or maybe it wasn’t, maybe we were fucked up anyway. I guess we’ll
never know now. Four years later and we’re still not over it. Three deaths, two
of them suicides, and two attempted suicides. I guess that could be the reason
we’re still not over it. I am proud to say I do not fall under either category.
No suicides or attempted ones. Those were all of my friends. I could have, and I
wanted to. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It scared the crap out of me at
the time. Still does. But we can’t be held responsible for these actions. We
were just kids for Christ sake. We didn’t know what it was like to lose someone,
that is, until it happened. And it didn’t just stop at one, it was three. God
three fucking deaths in one month. Can you imagine?
That’s why I ran. I ran away from the sadness, from death itself. I didn’t want
to be number four. Am I suicidal now? I don’t know. I mean I must be for coming
back here after four years. But I do have a reason. And he’s sitting right next
to me on this plane. Jeremy Hayes. My fiance for about three months now. I started
dating him two years ago.
I know what your probably thinking, what kind of girl gets married right out of high
school? I know this because I used to think it myself. But I love him, I truly do.
I mean, why else would I be reliving my past? He makes me feel so important, he
promised me forever... Something I never thought I’d be able to ask.
Which is why we are here, back in Ottowa, Illinois. The place where I grew up, the
place I fucked up. He wants to know what my life was like here. What he doesn’t
know is my past. He lives in my present and he is my future. The horrible thoughts
of my past, which I had hoped would be long gone by now, are all coming back to me.
The funerals, the pitying faces, and those God damn awful days that I just spent
crying in my room. Then the day I decided to run, the look on his face when I left.
But I couldn’t stay, I lost three of the most important people in the world to me.
And I don’t know why. Four years later and I still can’t give myself a God damn
reason for the tragedy.
I’m sorry for the ranting. I guess I’m so nervous about being here that I just
can’t control my words. But it was necessary, because you see, Jeremy isn’t the
only one thats going to learn of my past, you are too. And although I probably have
you confused, this introduction was needed. I needed to give a reason for this trip,
if not for you then for myself. For the next week I will be immersed in my past,
reliving every single fucking memory thats haunted my dreams ever since I left. But
maybe this is good. Maybe, this is what I need. God only knows.
Now here comes the time to make a decision; move forward and go through with this, or
turn around making up some excuse of why I can’t be here, it would be so easy....
No. I have to do this, for Jeremy, for me. And Jeremy will help me, he loves me and
he’ll be there for me. He’s already promised that much. If only he knew what he
was getting himself into.
For one week you are invited into my life. For one week you see through the eyes of
a 15 year old junkie turned 18 year old writer. This is not for the light hearted.
And if you haven’t figured it out already, I curse. It’s a bad habit it know,
but its my book and I can do as I please. My story here, does not have a happy
ending. My happy ending came after I left, this trip will NOT have the happy ending
my life found for me. It ends when I run. It ends right before Jeremy comes into
the picture because he knows that much, and after the trip he will understand things
he didn’t before. Because my actions were based on this story. A story of
friendship, of love, of loss, of agony. A story called; The Freshmen.
Memory 1: Gettin’ High
“Come on Ellie hurry up!” Kate yells at me when I finally get out of the house.
“Shut up will you? You’re gonna wake my parents.” I say.
“Oh come on, they sleep through just about anything, besides, we’re gonna be late
if you don’t get your sorry ass on your bike. The guys are waiting at the spot.”
“Alright I’m comin I’m comin. Jeez you act like you’ve never done this
before, and I know you have, I was there. How’d Jason get a hold of it anyway? I
though his mom confiscated it all.”
“Said he got it half off from some street vendor. That probably means its not all
that good, but it’ll do the job.” I give her a face. Weed is weed, no matter
how long you have it or where you put it.
“I still say there’s no difference.” We get on our bikes and head towards our
spot. It’s nothing special, just a patch of grass under one of the may water
towers in Illinois. We call it our spot because there is a big number 5 painted onto
it. We don’t know what it’s supposed to stand for, only that it now symbolizes
our group. There are five of us; me, Kate, Jason (my best guy friend), Michael
(Kate’s boyfriend), and Eric (Kate’s best guy friend). We found it one day and
Kate decided it was fate. And thus it became our spot.
“FINALLY!” Kate yells as we get to the water tower. The boys are already there,
lounging around as usual. Kate runs and jumps on top of Michael and kisses him.
“Oh please will you two get a room?” Jason asks.
“I second that,” I say as I sit down next to him. “So the ‘rents actually
let you out?”
“Yeah, if you can believe it. Though I had to promise that I wasn’t going to see
you today. They’re under some kind of impression that you’re my bad
influence.” Jason smirks at me
“Oh gee thanks. I’m sure your mom hates me now. You’re lucky that I can climb
through windows because I’m sure that this and at night are the only times you’re
going to be seeing me now.” I spend the night at Jason’s house more often than
not. I don’t know why but I’ve never liked being alone and my parents would kill
me if I interrupted their “alone time”. Jason’s house is next door to mine so
I can easily climb out my window and through his. Plus his bed is the most
comfortable bed I’ve ever seen. We’re not dating, and we never will. We tried
dating in 7th grade and it was really awkward. He’s like my brother and we both
weren’t all that interested in the relationship. We’re closer now, as friends,
than we ever were as boyfriend and girlfriend. I’ve been known to where his
clothes to school, his mother hates me for it. But Jason doesn’t care and so I
keep doing it.
If Jason’s mother knew that we shared a bed at night she would go insane. She’s
already under the impression that my main goal in life is to steal her precious
son’s virginity. Though where she got that I will never know. I’m still a
virgin for Christ’s sake! Jason doesn’t have a father, he never met him, so his
mother tries to be both parents at once. And let me tell you it’s annoying.
“Oh what would I do if you weren’t there to wake me up in the middle of the night
and climb into bed with me? Well, I might actually get a good night’s sleep for
once.” Jason jokes.
“You know you love it. And besides, you’re never asleep, you always wait for me
dumbass. That holds no value.”
“Yeah whatever. You’re lucky I love you so much. Most guys would have kicked
you out by now.”
“Gasp, you would never kick me out. Not when I’m the only girl who’s been in
your bed. Oh!” I tease.
“Take it back.” he warns.
“Nope!” I say and pop the “p”.
“Fine then, I guess you don’t get any of this.” he holds up the bag of weed
and dangles it in front of my face.
“Gimme it!” I say.
“Take it back.”
“No way Jose!”
“Fine then, Kate? Michael? You want some of this?”
“Ok ok fine, I take it back. You can’t let them get the first one! That’s
always mine and you know it.”
“Now that’s a good girl. Now say, Jason is the king of my universe and has the
hottest body in the world.” he wiggles his eyebrows.
“Jason Halloway you’d better give that to me.” I warn him.
“Not until you say it.” I glare at him. Then I get a good idea, I pounce on him
so that my legs are on either side of his torso.
“Actually, I think I’m the queen of your universe.” I say and grab the bag of
weed from his hand.
“Jesus Elle. That was awesome.” Eric says. Kate and Michael nod their heads in
“Ha ha thanks Eric. Anybody got a lighter?” I ask the group. Kate tosses me
hers, a black one with mini pink skulls all over it. I roll up some of the weed and
light the end. I take a deep breath and exhale. “Ah. I get high with a little
help from my friends.”
“You’re such a dork, Ellie. The Beatles?” Michael says.
“The Beatles are awesome, don’t ever diss them.” Kate says to her boyfriend.
“Yup she’s pretty much right.” I say and toss the bag to her. These are the
nights I like, one’s where it feels like nothing bad can happen. But why do I feel
like that’s all about to change?
Memory 2: Kate’s Death
I’m laying with Jason in his bed when my cell phone rings. I wonder who could be
calling this late at night, but then I remember it was homecoming and Kate was
probably calling me to tell me all about it. I get up and look at my phone to see
Michael flashing the caller ID.
“Hello?” I say.
“Ellie... Help!” Michael yells into the phone.
“Michael, wait stop yelling, what is going on?” I ask.
“Its Kate, she’s been hit by a car. The doctors say that she’s in critical
condition, she might not make it Elle!!” I stand there for a second, feeling numb.
Hit by a car? “Elle? ELLE?!!” I snap out of it.
“Where are you?” I ask.
“We’re at HartGrove Hospital.” shit, that’s in Chicago, a good twenty
“Okay, I’ll get there as fast as I can okay? I’ll wake up Jason and he’ll
drive us there. Hang in there alright? We’ll be there soon.” I hung up the
phone. Thank God for Jason already being 16 and with a license. “Jason... Jason..
Wake up!” I nudge him awake.
“Wha?” Jason asks groggily.
“Jason we need to get to the hospital, Kate’s been hit by a car.” I tell him.
He bolts upright and starts to pull some clothes on.
“Where?” he asks.
“HartGrove Hospital.” I say.
“Shit!” he says. He grabs his car keys and we run to the front door. By now
I’m so scared that I’m shaking. This can’t be happening, Kate has to be okay,
just has to be. Jason looks over at me and sees my worried expression and takes one
of my hands in his. “We’ll get there.” he says reassuringly. I know we will,
the question is will it be too late?
We get to the hospital and run through the front doors. We had decided that Jason
would ask what room she was in, I’m still too hysterical to even begin to talk.
“We’re looking for a Kate Wilson?” he says. The lady at the desk nods her
head and looks at her computer for the name. I tap my fingers nervously on the
counter while we wait. The lady gives me an annoyed glance but I don’t care.
I’m too nervous to care.
“Room 402, second floor.” the lady says.
“Thank you.” Jason replies and we run towards the elevators. Once inside Jason
pulls me into a tight hug, sensing that I need it. I love that he knows what I’m
feeling, he truly is the greatest best friend.
DING! The elevator sounds and we rush out of there and start to look for room 402.
Then I spot Michael pacing back and forth in the hallway.
“Michael!” I call. He looks up and sees us run towards him. “Oh Michael what
happened? Michael looks at me with pain in his eyes.
“We got in a fight, Kate and I. We were coming home from Homecoming and she made
me pull over. We were almost to her house so she decided to walk the rest of the way
home. I guess it was too dark outside and she was in a black dress so she got hit.
I should have been there, I should have stopped-”
“Shh.” I say to him. “Calm down, getting hysterical won’t solve
anything.” I lead him to one of the waiting chairs and make him sit. “And
neither will pacing.” I sit down next to him and Jason sits down next to me.
“Everything is going to be fine, she’ll pull through this.” I say, mostly for
We wait, for what seems like eternity before a doctor comes out.
“Are any of you family?” he asks.
“I’m her sister.” I lie, just wanting to know the news. He nods and motions
for me to walk with him. I get up and walk a little ways until he stops and turns to
“I’m so sorry miss, we did everything we could, but she lost so much blood.
I’m sorry, but she’s gone.” I freeze in shock and look over to Michael. He
reads the expression on my face and falls to the floor.
“No, Kate baby why?” he screams. I take one more look at the doctor and run
back over to Michael and fall to the ground with him, tears streaming from my eyes.
I pull him into a hug and I let him cry into my shoulder as I cry in his. I can’t
believe she’s gone.