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Most recent Public diary entries by ‹<20/20Hindsight>›:

Fuck youCategory: (general)
Saturday, 16 September 2017
10:04:54 AM (GMT)
Tired of feeling chained to the ground. The extremes. Not feeling what you think im supposed to feel. Not being allowed to have issues. I hide mine. I suck it up. For you. I dont count on you to do the right specific special thing that'll magically make it all better. I just am. I let you see the half thats fine and goofy and weird and happy and fuckin cares but now most of the time all i can feel is the empty trapped half thats wants to destroy. Cut. Drink. Not feel. I want to sleep. I want to sleep not worried ill wake up to you glaring in my face like a pist off kicked puppy because a girl i dont even know said hello to me on instagram. You're fucking crazy and i cannot tell you that. You constantly ask what im thinking but if i dont edit my thoughts and give you what you want to hear then ill just experience again your complete mood shift and distaste in hearing that i could actually be fucking sad for no fucking reason or that i would rather play a strategic videogame where i have a
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A few stray thoughts coz why notCategory: (general)
Thursday, 14 September 2017
04:10:40 AM (GMT)
All right then. Been pretty depressed lately. Mostly i think because somethins wrong with my body, and i dont wanna go to the hospital. 1 it's expensive. 2 they probably cant help me anyways an ill end up being told i got cancer or something like its fuckin web md out here. Anyways im worried about my car, bought it for 50$ over a year ago an the little buggers still kickin. Gotta go to work here in a min.. Fuuuck i wish it didn't feel like my ribs were broken and my bones were grinding. 23 and im already old. Between gettin hit by cars an fallin off of buildings id say i fucked myself up rather good over the years. Not to mention the total and complete disregard for my own health when i was a teenager. And jesus fuck starting drinking as an adult probably hasnt helped either. Im a self medicater using destructive methods and im not sure how much longer ill last but hey its the only ways i know to fend off the depression and bipolarness and all those other garbage disorders. Fuck me im in shit
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mehCategory: (general)
Thursday, 3 August 2017
09:55:45 AM (GMT)
another day goes by. one by one the seconds minutes and days of life tick by.. im still where ive always been, and somewhere else entirely. ive always questioned existence, the point of it. other than just existing to exist there doesn't seem to be a reason, just happenstance. we all do die inevitably, some say the point in broader spectrum is the continuation and flourishing of our race, but really, why? so what if our race ends up in trillions of years being top dog, every inch of the universe explored, every secret told, a shopping mall in every galaxy? by existing im "doing my part" in our race achieving whatever the fuck it wants but me, and many many others. do. not. give a fuck. we're here, im here, because we were forced to be. simply bringing my life into this world seems to me to be an act of reckless spreading of pain. because i dont care what any reason or intention for it is. a life brought here wasnt its choice, and its not like you could ask it either, but its a
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entryCategory: (general)
Monday, 24 July 2017
09:51:38 AM (GMT)
not sure what i wanna write about. i have a real diary, its made of this weird natural paper stuff thats not perfect and has an odd texture. i write in cursive in it because my print is crap. whats funny is my cursive is also crap but still, its pretty. i write so slanted its nearly sideways, i do letters differently and often mix print in with my cursive, so really im the only one who can read it, and some words even i have to guess on. anyways. everyday this week my fiancé has left me and taken my house key and there have been fights. last night i had to pry my keys out of her hands because she got drunk and ballsy an decided getting in my face high and mighty and laughing at our destruction while taking my things and telling me to leave (sigh) again.. would be cool. in the wrestling match that ensued i think I hyperextended the tendons leading to her hands when i pried my keys out of them. and i hurt her shoulder. she really
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Last edited: 28 July 2017

why bother? not sure exactly.Category: (general)
Monday, 17 July 2017
05:44:15 PM (GMT)
well. idk what it is about life that's always circling me right back to death but it got old a long time ago. hell i even died, did that make life happy? fuck no. so here i am again. bout to lose everything for the umpteenth time and all i can think is. what the fuck for? theres a lot of things i dont have or lost, like any individual, so theres a bunch of reasons gone. all that really ends up being left is me and sometimes my shitty vehicle. so.. i pick myself up and make a life again just to lose it all. its rediculous. and im too tired n been doing this bullshit for too long. all i wanna do at this point is jump out of a plane with a wingsuit and try to write a suicide note on the way down. that way ill get to enjoy myself for a few minutes. do something awesome. and write a rediculous suicide note that probably wont even be readable. is that a word? readable? oh well. so i guess what im really saying is any reason I could give myself or any reason
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Last edited: 28 July 2017

stuffCategory: (general)
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
09:54:09 PM (GMT)
alright, so im not back. but heres my number. 701-226-7940
a LOT of shit has happend. life is so fucked now, ha.

so text or call if u still care bout this guy. n i'll tell u stuff. 

Last edited: 28 July 2017

HOPECategory: (general)
Monday, 25 March 2013
06:18:21 PM (GMT)
so londons mom talked to me today!! she doesn't hate me, theres a chance this can
all still work. theres hope. once sarah and I talk more, maybe she'll let me see my
London again!! this is such a huge step forward. im happy 
Last edited: 28 July 2017

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