A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a
flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

I will submit some for your list but this one isnt proper for there......

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream
more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours
and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and
she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I
came a couple times I wiped my cock on the curtain and she still screaming."

^^^^that one was by abc but he didnt think it would be approriate

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf
jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm
going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out
a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me,
just like it says in the book!"

lawlz. there was a plane with a pilot, a priest, a lawyer, a doctor, and a student
in it. the pilot said they would crash and only had 4 parachutes. he took one for
himself, and the doctor said " people need me to care for them. i'm taking one" and
he did. the lawyer said " lawyers are the smartest people on earth, and people need
me." so he jumped out behind the doctor, leaving the student and the priest. the
priest says to the student " you take the parachute. i've lived enought of my life."
the student replies " why? the smartest man on earth just jumped out of the plane
with my backpack." XD

LOLZ I READ THAT LIKE 10 TIMES AND I JUST GOTN IT XD

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student.
Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be
budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good
grades in his/her classes.

15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One
day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing
field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. 

The girl said she was. 

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by
herself. 

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" 

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. 

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all
alone?" 

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

LOL TOP BOTH OF EM! Your in the lead

this is my joke

how do u catch a unique rabbit??

unique up on it!!!!


how do u catch a tame rabbitt???

tame way unique up on it!!!!

Q: ok why was 6 afraid of 7? 

A: Because 7 eat 9

Q: Why did the women take a ruler to bed?

A: because she wanted to see how long she slept! lol

hope you 
                                         ~ENJOYED~

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He
tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?” 

“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that
tube.” 

“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.” 

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?” 

“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.” 

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

i have another one too 

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through
class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice,
who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated
in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice
fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But,
Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and
stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice
fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more
time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

… the teacher fainted!

LOL YOUR IN SECOND PLACE SO FAR! 

1:what ya doing 2aten choclet 1:whered you get it 2:dogy droped it 1:wheres he now
2:behind the door 1:whatshe doing 2:maken more !!!

and knock knock ,  whos there , dawan ,dawan who , DAWAN TA TUB IM DOWNING

I hope you didnt hear thi before. I dont think this is any funnier then the others, 
but I just wanna post this here:
Three guys walked into a house. As they entered, they heard a voice saying:
"When I getcha Getcha Getcha, Im gonna Eatcha Eatcha Eatcha!"
The first guy was sooo scared, he ran out the door. The two others opened an other
door. Again, they heard:
"When I getcha Getcha Getcha, Im gonna Eatcha Eatcha Eatcha!"
The second guy was sooo scared that he opened a window and jumped out.

The third guy heard moving. He went over to a window. He pulled on the curtains and
found a little girl with her finger up her nose, singing "When I getcha Getcha
Getcha, Im gonna Eatcha Eatcha Eatcha!"

LOL XD XD XD XD XD XD

okay so these two ppl are having sex in the back of the car.
"lets use the yellow condom," says the woman
"okay, let me get it" the man says
so they have sex
"uh, uh, uh, harder baby!" yells the woman
"i wish i could!!!" replies the man
okay, now there done and the man throws the condom out the window
they didn't know it but a little boy caught it
they get ready to have sex again
"lets use the red one this time," says the woman
"alright let me dig it out" replies the man
they have sex and the girl relises she does not like the red condom as much as the
yellow one
"lets go back and get the yellow one back, smexy!" says the woman
"okay" the man replies
so they drive back to were the man trew it out the window. the man saw that a little
kid had it in his hands
"let me have that back please little kid" says the man asking nicly whilst  standing
infront of the kid with the boner of a horse (he was nude and had cum all over
himself from a blowjob before the red condom got used)
"not till im dome liking the filling out of it!" says the boy

LOL

ive heard it before except a longer version :| still good

this i heard from my teach but its stupid

Q: What do u call a jack-o-lantern made out of a hot dog?

A: A Hallowenie (i spelled dat wrong didnt i?)

lol XD

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together,
and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to
her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I
really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair
totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the
blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his
hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

LOL LMFAO! XD XD XD XD XD XD

Ok there's this boy name Ali but everyone keeps calling him Abu .One day Ali went to
his grandmother's house he told his grandmother everything , his grandmother told Ali
when the next time a person calls Ali Abu slap them on their face , so Ali took his
grandmother's advice .Then the next day of school a bully went up to Ali and said
'give me your lunch money Abu' so then Ali went and slaped the bully so hard that the
bully fell down and cry.

           Then when Ali went 2 class his teacher was marking the atendence , when
she called Ali she said Abu he went up 2 his teacher and slaped her then the teacher
sent him 2 the principals office , when Ali went to the principals office the
pricipal said 'Abu what has gotten into u ' then Ali took his grandmother's advice
and slaped the princepal .

            When Ali gotten home his mother was soo angry with him that she said 'oh
Abu why r u doing this' then Ali went and slaped his own mother , then his mother
asked him 'why r u slaping everyone then Ali went and said 'because grandma told me'
, then his mother started laughing like mad then Ali asked his mom why is she
laughing Ali's mom said u know what is your grandmother's full name then Ali said
what then his mom said your grandmother's real name is







Elizibeth Slap

There was a priest, a barman, and an idiot running away from the police. They passed
a house with 3 big bags in front of it. So they all climed in the bags and waited.
When the police came, they inspected the bags. "Maybe they're in here" they said. So
they poked the bag with the priest in it. He started going "Bwak, Bawk!!" The police
thought he was a chicken, so they moved to the next bag. The barman started going
"Meow, meow!" and the police thought he was just a cat. So when they poke the bag
with the idiot in it, he admired his friends for their cleverness and said, "POTATO,
POTATO" XD

There were three men who went to heaven and the apostle Peter asked “How did you
guys die?”
The first man said “Imagine this, you come home and find your wife naked and that
she had sex with another man. Then you go to the balcony and see someone who looks
like he is running away then you throw a refrigerator at him and shoot yourself.”
The second man said “Imagine this, you are on your daily jog when a refrigerator
falls out of the sky and hits you on the head!”
The third man said “Imagine this, you are naked in a refrigerator when someone
takes it and throws it out.”

Joke: The KissThere was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. 
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day
he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her
what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will
die that very minute!"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the
sweetest girls around town. 
She knew that he had never been kissed before.
When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he
resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." 
With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die??"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get
stiff!!"

true story