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One Mad Man (story)

One Mad Man
It was a rather dark night, seeing as clouds blocked the light of the moon, as a man jogged through the park. The jogger stopped under a lamppost in the park to tie his shoe. “Damn, already 9:52? I need to get home.” He said, after he stood and looked at his watch. Just as he was about to take off again a dark figure appeared behind him, silent as a ghost the figure grabbed him, placing a cloth over his mouth and nose. The man tried to scream, to kick, to get away, but to no avail. He slowly slipped into a slumber thinking, “Why me?” He awoke hours later, dazed. He glanced about the room he was now in. “What in the hell...?” he asked himself as he tried to move. He was strapped to a cold, metal table, nothing but his pants on, and he seemed to be in some freaky lab-basement. “Oh... You’re awake... Finally.” A voice emerged from the darkness surrounding the man. “Who’s there!? Why am I here!? What do you want!?” The man began to panic, not knowing where the voice was coming from, but knowing he was not alone. “All in due time Jeremy...” The voice rang out, a figure emerging from the darkness. “How do you know my name!?” Jeremy’s panic increased. “You learn a lot from a driver’s license in a person’s wallet.” The shadowy figure snickered. “Who are you!? What do you want from me!?” Jeremy seemed to be demanding answers. “Me? Well... I’m the shadow in your step Jeremy.” “What is that supposed to mean!?” “Well, it means, dear Jeremy, that I am you... Or rather, will be.” “What!?” “Yes, Jeremy, I will become you, but first... I’ll need your soul.” Jeremy’s eyes grew wide, he began to struggle violently, but this accomplished nothing. “That’s not going to work Jeremy... You can’t escape... This is destiny Jeremy, accept it.” The dark figure grew as he advanced on Jeremy, finally stepping into the small light overhead. The figure was wearing jeans, a black hoodie with the hood up, and a white, full face mask. “Well then, no time like the present right?” The masked man let out a sadistic laugh, pulling a knife from his hoodie pocket. He quickly sliced at Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy let out an agonizing scream. “Now we can’t have any of that Jeremy, what would the neighbors think?” The masked man took the knife and swiftly made a slit directly under Jeremy’s chin, making the blood run down his neck to his chest. As Jeremy felt his warm blood slide down his throat, he thought that this was it, that this was the end, but it wasn’t. Just as Jeremy accepted his death, the masked man laughed again. “No Jeremy, it’s not over yet, I just slit you vocal chords to keep you quiet.” Jeremy tried to talk, but it was only a quiet gurgle. The psychopath began slitting Jeremy all over his body, down his arms, across his chest, on his face, everywhere that the skin hadn’t already been cut. It took an hour for Jeremy to bleed to death. “It is done...” The sadistic killer panted and stood over the lifeless body of Jeremy. “Why... Why am I not changing? Did I do it wrong?” The blood drenched killer went into a fit of rage, throwing things, hitting things, lashing out and screaming in anger. “No, no, no!” A week went on and the killer did nothing, but when the full moon arrived, he was sitting in hiding at the same park, watching a girl call for her lost dog. “Yes, this time it’ll work.” He reassured himself. “Scruffy? Scruffy!? Where are you?” The girl called out into the park. Her cell phone began to ring inside her purse; she dug around a bit, finally pulling it out and answering it. “Steve? Did you find him?” She gave a sigh of relief, “Oh thank god... Alright, I’ll be home in a bit, love you, bye.” She hung up the phone and put it back in her purse. A split second later she was grabbed from behind, a cloth covering her mouth and nose. She knew what to do and took action, she elbowed her attacker in the stomach, releasing his grip on her. She quickly whipped around to see a man in jeans, a hoodie and a full faced, white mask. She withdrew a pistol from her purse, aiming for his chest and releasing three bullets into it. He touched the fresh wounds that the bullets had created and raised his hand to see the blood. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.” He mumbled to himself, dropping to the ground. The girl took two slow steps back, then turned and ran. The man lay on the ground, his breaths becoming shallower with every intake of air. He removed his mask, laying it next to him on the ground. He stared up at the moon. “This isn’t the end... Only a new beginning.” He released a final breath, a smile on his lips as his body slowly turned into ashes and blew away into the nights wind.
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  ‹Death, Embrace Me With Your Sweet Bliss› — Page created: 18 October 2010  |  Last modified: 19 October 2010
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exquisite says:   19 October 2010   616970  
It's a good start, however your sentences are a bit off. For the first sentence, as
an example, instead of breaking off the end where it says - "park", continue "the"
with a comma.

EXAMPLE: "... as a man jogged through the park, the jogger stopped under a lampost in
the park to tie his shoe" 

Another good tip is to describe everything around him:

What kind of dark figure was it? {Was it tall, short, fat, thin?}

And to also explain the state of the man's emotion. 

But I do like the story in general, it shows tension building up and it didn't stop
me from reading. The mystery of awaking in an unknown location is always a thriller.

Just think about how you lay it out, try writing a draft first and rewriting/add new
bits to it as you look it over once more, or even again and again.

Well done though!
lunasan says:   19 October 2010   370409  
drafts, drafts, lotsa drafts... >_>
I agree with the elaboration part. describe how the characters are feeling and don't
let the story go too fast when you aren't timeskipping.
lunasan says:   19 October 2010   533305  
I LOVE the story though o♥o
‹Death, Embrace Me With Your Sweet Bliss› says :   19 October 2010   788264  
XD thanks, I really only did this as a short story anyway, so i really didn't feel
like getting into detail... But thanks for the tips! ^_^

yeah, yeah... Blah. :Þ
Thanks. ^_^ 

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