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29 F Antarctica
speaks English
Last login: 4 April 2008
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Member since: 14 November 2007
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Title: Your worst nightmare. Resides: Coldest Neverland. Species: Vampyre. Status: Opptomistic Call me: Your master It Begins Here. Tell me, have you ever experienced the sick feeling where your insides metamorphose into a savage animal. Clawing at the inside walls of your body ripping all of your organs to unworthy remains. Your suffocating in your own skin. You want to rip at it, slice at it, anything to destroy your mortal cage called skin. You cant even breathe without choking. The voices in your head have multiplied, all offering different ideas. Your so cold.. Just frozen and you cant even voice the reasons why...Because it hurts so bad. Your heart is beating but you cant feel alive. Your breaths are slowing...but your not dying.. And you arent even real. Just a made up character in some fucked up story...And the world is reading it aloud. The demons you have been trying with all your effort to asphyxia with your thoughts have your heart captivated. You vow to not stop breathing...But everything in the world has given you three choices, let go of what you live for...And live for nothing, not live at all, or not ever let it go..And feel dead for the rest of your commiserable days... You can feel the stabbing feeling of tears welling up in your throat but you scream inside you are stronger then this... But your mind is saying your weakest..You give in to the voices, demons, and animals inside. Your lost deep within the coldest snow storm ever.... Lying naked in the snow...You drift to a sleep..As all the colors fade away...And you cant find yourself...December fully takes over...And everything that once mattered is gone...You peer down at your flesh. and see the only color worth seeing...Red. The darkest of red. Pouring out from the depths of your sorry soul.. And you bleed it all. Your way to apologize. Your way to say how much remorse you feel. You bleed out regrets and promises you have broken. Until your so far burried in red snow..No thoughts even come through your minds sanctuary. Where have you gone... Where have you gone.... And you have destroyed the cage of flesh arapped around you in various places...But your still trapped inside. With the voices, demons, and animals... All smothering you..So you give up. Hide away in the frozen neverland. Never to see the light of day..Lost in the winter night...Never to feel the warmth or summer, or the soft breeze of spring..Never to see the leaves falling in autumn..Just forever in winter. And so afraid to leave. You know your options. But you ignore them...You know how to get out..But that involves feeling something otehr then cold. And that seems so alien. You want to get out...But you cant. Your too deep under. Snow piled upon snow. Red upon white...And a horrible battle inside. Between you, the animals, the demons,and the voices...So what now? Do you let go? Leap off? Or stay 6 fet under. Forever. Image and
video hosting by TinyPic In the vampyre realm i am Giselle Beau Pre, or A child of the Moon Goddess - Cold, determined, but of the light in the night. In your world i am Jamielynn. For a long time, I would hide away in my winter, concealing all that was deep inside even though the blindest could see it. I would make myself as cold as I could possibly be, and in my state of ice I couldn't feel anything... I remember my Mother used to say I didn't have a heart, because I didn't care when people died, or pray when an ambulance drove by...And for awhile I considered maybe she was right. I was cold, empty, and heartless. And of course I asked myself the dreadful question "How did I get here?" over and over until I finally figured it out. I was here because of wrong doings, and wrong things done to me. I was here because of lies I have told, and lies told to me. I was here because of mistakes doubled, and tripled back upon themselves until there was no sight of where it had all began. I was in the middle of a huge knot of wrongness... And now looking around I see only blackness, and one possible route to travel, downward, and inward into more blackness. But the blackness is familiar, so I am not afraid this time. I spent a lot of my life being selfish, thinking my pain was greater than everyone else’s, but back then my pain was nothing compared to now, and I am mature enough to accept and know that so many more people are in so much more pain. I have been threw a lot, my beautiful blues have seen so much, stricken with sorrow, weighed down by the worlds hurt. I remember the little girl that used to cover them so they wouldn’t view the violence and rage. I remember the little girl who covered them so she could pretend he wasn’t violating her. I remember looking into the mirror as that little girl and seeing the tears fall, tears that meant something more. I recall being that little girl and never having a chance to be a little girl, never having a childhood... Dolls were never anything to me, they bored me and I would never enjoy playing with them, toy trucks and dinosaurs I found weren’t entertaining...I always wanted to be writing or drawing. I felt safe with a pencil and paper, spilling my heart out onto the lines. The only way to keep me from exploding completely. All the days of junior high I hated myself, I was disgusted by who I had become and was convinced it was every one else’s fault but mine..Until the most painful incident in my life was no one’s fault but my own. My father committed suicide for something I had said. Image and
video hosting by TinyPic At the funeral my snow covered feelings had warmed and I could feel again, and I came to a point of realization about who had brought me to the horrible state, me, myself, and I. And the little girl inside me released her tears once again and I cried at that moment for everything I hadn’t felt for the last 3 years before then. Even now I don’t consider me to like myself, but what I learned to do was forgive myself. Every mortal will make mistakes it’s inevitable. But once you see your mistake and accept it, you can forgive yourself. If we all hold onto the mistakes, we can’t see our own smile in the mirror, because we have the mistakes between our faces and the mirror, we can’t see what were capable of being. I often wonder why I was searching for a new day...When new days were ahead every time I would lay my head down to dream. All I had to do was change the way I looked at things to change the way my days were going, and live a new day. My world tends to run on a constant hope for love, knowledge, and of course happiness. . I have yet to find a person who truly cares and would die to make me smile, love relieves loneliness. I know that no matter how much I learn there will ALWAYS be so much more I don’t know I want to understand people and why they are the way they are...I want to know why people hurt... I have learned that there is no such thing as full-on happiness, it can only come in amounts of time and feeling, and I think I prefer it that way. Where would one be? Who would one be? And what would one be? If one had not made mistakes? Where one would be is lost. Who one would be is A liar. And what would one be? A lair. If not had been hurt and recovered all the times I have I would not be who I am today, and I would not be this strong. I look to the sky and hope my Daddy is up there smiling down on me... But as part of the sky. I used to be Christian but through the years I have changed beliefs a lot, right now I’m just sort of agnostic. Just because I’m not sure if God is real, that doesn’t mean I'm a horrible person so don’t judge me. I am different, therefore I think differently correct? Don’t ever try and tell me who I am, because I know who I am. You will NEVER change that. Sometimes I get the feeling that I’m losing myself completely by my friends smiles always bring me back. I love my friends more than anything, they keep me sane. If you decide to mess with their sanity I'll mess with yours, and trust me princess you don’t want that. I am human, I can feel when I want to, but most of the childish immature things you say to me, won’t hurt me, so don’t bother trying. I often wonder how one is supposed to live a moral and passionate existence, when one can see all the blood and horror, and some even thirst for it. I have had my share in feeding the hunger in my veins. The blood screaming to get out, the burning skin just itching to be sliced. But I’m trying to free myself from it. For the people around me, and the boy I promised. I'm currently in a relationship with some one I have yet to explore. I care about this person a lot, you can’t change that. I don’t want your drama, please leave it somewhere else. This boy makes me smile like no other. My smile is a gift. I don’t smile very often, if you can make me smile your extremely special, if you have truly made me smile, then you know who you are. You can find darkness not only within our world’s culture but also within one’s self. And sometimes that’s hard to deal with, but I embrace it as a gift. I have accepted that some questions have no answers and that’s now okay with me. I'd rather wonder... .I love my past, it may not be beautiful but its who i am. I embrace my present, and think about my future often. I hate people. I think there savage creatures, abusing power with greed. And they think the only way there voice can be heard is determined by th cash in ther wallet. I dont normally answer shit from people i dont know. Adn if i do I'm a bitch. I am pretty fukin' mean. Deal with it. If it seems like i

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