Blonde jokes
Q:Why was the blonde staring at the juice carton?
A:Beacause it said concentrate!
There was this bar
and in the bar there was a magic mirror.
If you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar.
She walked up to the mirror and said '
I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world'
and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar.
She walked up to the mirror and said
'I think I'm the most beautiful
woman in the world'
and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blonde walked into the bar.
She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...'
and it sucked her in.
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car.
She cuts out in front of a semi,
and almost causes it to drive over a cliff.
The driver furiously motions for her to pull over,
and she does. The driver gets out
and draws a circle
and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife
and cuts up her leather seats.
He turns around and sees she's smiling.
So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat,
and starts busting her windows and beating her car.
He looks back to see that she's laughing.
He's really mad now, so he takes
his knife and slices her tires.
He turns around and she's laughing so hard,
she's about to fall down. He demands,
"What's so funny?" She says,
Every time you weren't looking,
I stepped out of the circle!"
A plane is on its way to Detroit
when a blonde woman
in economy class gets up and moves
into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this,
and politely informs the woman
that she must sit in
economy class because that's the
type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success
at convincing the woman to move, the flight
attendant goes into the cockpit and informs
the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo
sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her
proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman
and explains why she needs to move, but once again
the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful,
I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that
perhaps they should have the arrival gate
call the police and have the woman arrested
when they land. The pilot says,
"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this.
I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde.
" He goes back to the woman and whispers
quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry,"
then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed
and ask him what he said to get her to move
back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
January - Took new scarf back to store
because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for
failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles
won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw
puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours
.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....
couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition
.....learned later, other swimmers cheated,
they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm
.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is
"C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are
so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days
.....instructions said 1 hour per pound
and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911.....
"duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the phone!!!
WHAT A YEAR!!!
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs
and one night he's doing a show in a small
town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee,
he starts going through his usual
dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting: "I've heard
enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype
women that way? What does the color of
a person's hair have to do with her worth
as a human being? It's guys like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work
and in the community and from reaching our full
potential as a person. Because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general,
and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins
to apologize, and the blonde yells, "
You stay out of this, mister!
I'm talking to that little -------- on your knee."
A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in
jail when they decided to break out.
The girls broke out and the brunette said,
"Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and
then the blonde threw it down.
The next morning, the cops said,
"Come out with your hands in the air!"
The red-head said,
"Hide in those baskets,
they'll never find us!"
So the Brunette got in the first one,
the red-head got in the second one
and the blonde got in the third one.
Meanwhile, the cops were getting a
ladder set up and trying to get up there.
Once they got up, the seargent
ordered them to kick the baskets.
So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."
"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."
"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next basket and
the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"
Once there were 3 people in an airplane
, one took a bite out of an apple.
She thought it was too sweet
so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a
bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw
it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite
out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out
of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk.
They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked,
"little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?"
and the little girl said, "an apple came
down and killed my new kitty".
Next they passed a little boy
who was also crying.
And they again asked,
"little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?"
and the little boy said, "
a lemon came down and killed my
new puppy." Then they passed
a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off.
They asked, "why are you
laughing so hard?" and the blonde said,
"I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!"
A flying saucer landed at
a gas station on a lonely country
road. The two space aliens
inside seemed completely unconcerned
about detection; in fact,
the letters "UFO" were
emblazoned in
big, bold letters on one
side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood
and gawked in silence, paralyzed with
shock, his young, blonde
attendant nonchalantly filled up the
tank and then waved to the
two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?
" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space
aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO'
on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde
attendant. "So?" "Don't you know
what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes.
"Good grief, boss! I've
been working here for five years.
Of course I know what 'UFO'
means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.
President Bush and Colin Powell
are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman,
"Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow,
this is a real honor.
What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really?
What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill
140 million Iraqis this time and
one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?"
"Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Powell and says,
"See, I told you no one would worry
about the 140 million Iraqis!"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead
were trying out for a new NASA experiment
on sending women to different planets.
First, they called the brunette in and
asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet,
what planet would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered,
"I would like to go to Mars because it seems
so interesting with all the recent news about
possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you."
And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the
room and the NASA people asked
her the same question. In reply,
"I would like to go to Saturn
to see all of its rings.
" Again, "thank you" and they
would get back to her.
Finally, the blonde entered the
room and they asked
her the same question they asked
the brunette and the redhead.
She thought for a while and replied,
"I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied,
"why, don't you know that if you
went to the sun
you would burn to death?"
The blonde smirked and
put her hands on her hips.
"Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym
guaranteeing to reduce anyone's
weight by 5, 10 or 20
kilograms on the first day.
So he goes and tells them he
wants to lose 5 kg.
They strip him and lead him
into a huge gym
with all kinds of ropes and
parallel bars and ladders
and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the
far side of the gym a door
opens and out steps
a gorgeous blonde, stark naked,
with a sign saying
"If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and
just as he gets close,
she starts picking up
speed. Before he knows it,
he's running all over
the gym, up the ladders,
down the ladders, across
the parallel bars,
here and there. And just
as he's about to
catch the blonde, pop,
she disappears
through a door. In comes
the management
who lead him to the showers,
and then weigh him.
Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think.
"Jesus, I was so close to catching her.
If I had a little more time..."
So he races back to the gym and says,
"I want to lose 20 more kg."
"No problem," says the manager.
Again he strips, and is led to the large gym.
This time he's standing
by the door when it opens.
Out comes a gorilla with a sign
"If I catch you, you're mine."
A young blonde was on vacation
in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine
alligator shoes
in the worst way, but was
very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local
vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated
with the "no haggle"
attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch
my own alligator
so I can get a pair of shoes at a
reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means,
be my guest.
Maybe you'll luck out and catch
yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and
headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself alorlligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper
was driving home,
when he spotted the
young woman standing
waist deep in the water,
shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a
huge 9-foot alligator
swimming quickly toward her.
She took aim, killed the
creature, and with a great deal
of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the
dead creatures. The shopkeeper
watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped
the alligator on its back.
Frustrated, she shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't
wearing any shoes either!"
There were 11 people holding onto a rope
that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde,
and one was a brunette. They all decided
that one person should get off because if they
didn't then the rope would break and everyone
would die. No one could decide who should go,
so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the
brunette saying she would get off,
all of the blondes started clapping.
This blonde,brunette and a redhead
are escaping from jail. The redhead jumps
over the wall and lands with a THUMP.
The guard yells "Who's out there?"
The redhead says"meow""Oh it's just a cat"
The brunette jumps over the wall
and lands with a THUMP.
The guard yells"who's out there?
The brunette says"meow."
"Oh it's just that darn cat,
get lost you stupid thing."
Then the blonde jumps over
and lands with a THUMP."
Who's out there?" "The blonde yells
"It's just that darn cat".
Someone saw a blonde
eating a Tootsie Roll Pop
and asked her, "So,... how many licks
does it take to get to the center
of a Tootsie Roll Pop?"
Without a thought, the blonde replied,
"Beats me, but it took almost the
whole day just to lick through the wrapper."
There was a blonde woman named, Cindy,
that was in deep financial problems.
So she got on her knees and prayed "Dear
God, please let me win the lottery
. I really need your help or
I'll loose my car, the house, and
everything else." She doesn't
win. The next day she prays to God
"God! I really really need
your help! I'll loose my car, the house,
and everything else."
Once again, she doesn't win.
The next day she says the same
prayer; then God speaks to her
" Cindy! work with me here, BUY
A TICKET!!"
A blonde walks into a electronic store
and asks the manager, "Can I buy that TV"
"No"
"Why not?"
"Because your a blonde."
So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red.
She returned to the electronic store and said,
"Can I buy that TV?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"Your a blonde."
So the blonde goes and shaves her hair
off and returns to the electronic store
and says, "Can I buy that TV?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"You're a blonde"
"How can you tell I'm a blonde,
I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!"
"Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave!"
A blonde decided she needed something
new and different for a winter hobby.
She went to the bookstore and bought
every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping
to become an expert in the field.
Finally she decided she knew enough
and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.
She carefully gathered up and packed all the
tools and equipment needed for the excursion.
Each piece of equipment had its own
special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found
a quiet little area, placed her
padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.
Just as she was about to make her
first cut into the ice, a booming voice
from the sky bellowed,
"There are no fish under the ice!!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her
belongings, moved further along the ice,
poured some hot chocolate from
her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.
Again the voice from above bellowed,
"There are no fish under the ice!!"
Amazed, the blonde was not quite
sure what to do as this certainly
was not covered in any of her books.
She packed up her gear and moved to
the far side of the ice. Once there, she
stopped for a few
moments to regain her calm.
Then she was extremely careful to set
everything up perfectly
tools in the right place,
chair positioned just so. Just as she
was about to cut this new hole,
the voice came again.
"There are no fish under the ice!!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward
and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"
The voice boomed back,
"NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
A blonde hurried into the hospital
emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?," the emergency
room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide,"
the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor?
"You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First, I put the gun to my chest, and I
thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these;
I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought,
'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth
straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear,
and I thought 'This is going to make a loud
noise, so I put my finger in
the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
One day this blonde is riding a horse. As they
are trotting along the blond decides
she wants to go faster and do some tricks
so she starts turning the horse around in a circle.
All of a sudden she starts to slip so she
grabs the horses mane. But even though
she has hold of the mane she was still
slipping. so she decided the best thing
to do was to not fall off by putting her
foot in the saddle. So she's riding
along hanging from her foot, with her
head banging on the ground, almost near death when
the ASDA guy comes over and turns off the horse.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer
and two young people show up. One is a
good looking guy in his mid- twenties and
the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them,
"I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you both better
be good or you're history. Here's your equipment
- a chair, a whip, and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair,
the whip and the gun and steps right
into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl
and pant and begins to charge her,
so she throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking
her ankles. He continues to lick her calves,
kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.
He remarks, "I've never seen a display
like that in my life." He then turns to the young man
and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man,
"just get that lion out of the way."
There's this blonde at a school and shes sick
of everyone calling her dumb.
She is really popular to though so she
tries to think of a way to keep her
popularity yet not be called dumb.
So, after school she goes into the
hair dressers and asks to get her hair dyed.
The next day she comes into school
with brown and blonde hair.
Her boyfriend comes up to her
and asks her why she did it.
She replies: I have blonde and brunette
because I want to be smart and popular.
He just stares at her a says: But your hair
isn't brown and blonde, it's green.
She stares back at him and says: Duh!
They mixed the dye together
LOL
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